big brother: fri-mon shocks

OMG first of all we lose Charley from the BB house. She was the queen b and most interesting character but also it seems the most reviled – nearly 90% of the viewers voted for her in a head to head vote-off. Surely the biggest landslide in BB history. Now she’ll just go off and make several millions creating and exploiting brand Charley. She’ll undoubtedly get her wish to become one of those celebrity personalities she so covets. But with all that anger burning within her it’ll all end in tears a la Jade Goody I sense. Even so, is it just me or did the lights go out a bit on the programme with her departure?

But that’s being a little negative; to compensate for the loss (and I’m sure the BB production team were fearful that an evicted Charley would leave the programme lacking in a big personality and interest for the viewers) we instantly see the arrival of 5 potential new housemates. The twist is that after ‘sampling’ each of them for a couple of hours the incumbent housemates get to vote on the two they want to invite into the house permanently. Let me describe these 5 follow-thats to you:

– David. Scottish weirdo. Thinks he’s a witch or warlock or wizard or something else beginning with W. Uses heavy make-up on one eye and seems to be interesting Jerry who’s getting spunk-bound and Tracey who recognises a kindred screwball personality. Chances of being voted in – good.

– Kara Louise. Pretty girl next door type. Seems to be attracting Ziggy’s interest (funny that) if only he could shake off parly Channelle (more later). Nice but bland. Slim chance of being voted in and no chance at all by the young girls.

– Jonty. Just weird. 30 something never been with a woman – that’s because you have affected speech and walk round in a smoking jacket with your 3 fluffy friends including grumpy monkley-uncly you f*ckwit. Tells stories about his 5 verrucas. Not likely to garner many votes from the women in the house. Even Jerry, that other teddy fetishist, seems unnerved by him. Definitely wouldn’t let him near my grandkids. Looks like nil pwan.

– Amy. Glamour model. In homage, no doubt, to Charley she entered the house in her pants. Loves herself like Charley but just hasn’t got any personality. Desperate wannabe. She maybe a glamour model but I saw her without make-up at one point and she looked Aileen Wournos from Monster. Didn’t take long for her to slag off her ‘mates’ in the half-way house which didn’t go unnoticed by the regular housemates. Might get the bloke vote just for the eye candy. Brian sniffing around.

– Shanessa. My particular favourite. If ever a woman deserved the title slapper, it’s Shanessa. Looks raddled, wears outrageously cut away dresses which not only fail to hide her considerable timber but highlight it. Self-confessed massage parlour attendant, hostess, stripper, sex lines talker. You just know that there’ll be donkey porn lurking in her shady past which a Star reader will unearth very shortly. No shame – danced a sexy routine for two of the lads who looked ill afterwards. Stood naked before Channelle and the cameras. That’s not a body for TV love. I’ve never seen two tits so far apart. Just awful but she’ll make a great character. No threat to the girls and some dangerous fun for Brian, who’s already showed her his enormous trouser snake. Absolutely nailed on to be voted in I reckon.

But that’s not all folks. Oh no. In the middle of all this we had the latest in the Ziggy/Channelle love saga. These two do my head in and I nearly died watching their latest self-absorbed tantrums. Firstly Ziggy decides for the 12th time that he’s had enough of this needy, clingy, yorkshire bunny boiler and tells her it’s all over and that he wants to have some fun again. Sorry Ziggy, you picked the pretty, sexy one and now you’re stuck with her. She runs off to the diary room and tells BB she wants to leave. This of course has happened many times before and even the disembodied voice of BB can’t hide his complete disinterest as he asks ‘are you sure you want to leave Channelle?’ ‘Aw yes’ says Chanelle ‘I just want to ger herm and see me mum’. Lots of tears and finally BB’s had enough and tells her to go pack her suitcase. Off she goes tearfully with all the little girls and big girl jerry running around her sobbing and telling her not to go. But the woman won’t be put off. She kisses everyone farewell and then goes for the final goodbye scene with Zeggeh. Ziggy can hardly contain his excitement at the thought of her imminent departure and says something like ‘well if you feel like you have to do it’ and ‘let’s always remember this’….. Channelle realising he wasn’t pleading for her to stay, heads off for the diary room departure lounge, heart hurting. At last Chanelle’s going I think but wait a minute… ‘Can I ger and get me teddeh BB?’ she asks. Eh ..? Off she toddles back into the house for the teddy and ends up spending a few more hours there being comforted by her entourage. You could see Ziggy thinking to himself, what the …… Finally she goes back into the diary room where for some reason BB insists she talks to the resident psychologist. Half an hour later Channelle reappears and delights in telling the housemates that she ‘can’t leave at the merment but BB might allow her do ser after the weekend’. I swear even her girlie mates have had enough of the will-she-won’t-she-oh-just-f*ck-off routine.

So there you have it – Charley gone, Channelle not gone (yet) and some wackos on the way in. The fun never stops in the BB house.


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