celebrity baby names; scintillating or cynical?

I’m sure you’ve probably heard that Charlotte Church, who’d piled on a few pounds during her pregnancy, had a baby daughter on Thurs night/Friday morning. Good wishes to them. I really quite like Charlotte’s Cardiff-girl attitude. I’m not sure about Gavin’s preening but each to their own in the changing room. I have to say they make a handsome couple and she’s spunky and care-free in equal measure. Thing is, I noticed their annoyance in the media that Myleen Klass had beaten them to the name Ava for their daughter. Beaten them? It’s not like she can claim title rights. If you like the name, why not go for it too C and G?

Is it just me or is it more about a desperate celebrity craving for media coverage by any means? Because if that’s the case, they’re wandering down the well-trodden lane of loading their poor kid with a simply ridiculous name, just to create a few more column inches from a media desperate to report on the next most ludicrously contrived kid’s name. Let’s try a few examples from the American entertainment scene to kick off with because they’re all barking and, given Britney Spears as current leader of the pack, have no sensibiliity or senstivity anyway. So Britney (and what kind of name is that to begin with? Disney-favourable no doubt) what’d you christen your kids? Sean Preston – no problems there – and Jayden James. Jayden? Where did that hail from? The ‘hood, where you tend to hang out of course? Barking. Why not just go for Jordan or Jay? Get a grip girl.

Other US examples (fasten your seat belt):

Gail and Frank Zappa called their kids Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen, Dweezil, Ahmet Emuuka Rodan and Moon Unit. Incredible but it was the late 60’s. Does that excuse it?

Jermaine Jackson, the sensible one, called his kid Jermajesty. Not the only wacko in the family then.

Demi Moore and Bruce Willis before falling out (or because of?) called their kids Tallulah Bell, Scout LaRue and Rumer Glenn. They’re all girls apparently.

Christie Brinkley ‘s kid’s called Sailor Lee. No idea which sex.

Mia Farrow has 14 children by various husbands and several adopted kids. She sounds a real earth mother and most of the kids have solid kinda names but also in the mix are Summer Song, Lark Song and Satchel. I’m guessing that last one’s Woody’s tribute to Louis Armstrong? Buf if not…. interesting.

Rob Morrow US actor and prize prick clearly, called his kid Tu as in… the day after today. Oh how the lad must love that. The only saving grace is that the dummer girls might just fall for the line that Tu Morrow never comes. Or not.

Silvester Stallone’s kid? Sage Moon Blood. Sounds like a recipe for haggis.

Gillian Anderson’s kid has a real X file name of her own; Piper Maru. Is it you? Yeh, yeh, yeh.

And finally from the USA (although it’s not the last of the weird names – there are 1000’s of them) how about one of the all time great Tamla Motown divas, Diana Ross. Likes a drink, we all know that but surely a woman of impeccable taste in children’s names? Er…I think la Ross might have been on the rosso that day – her kid’s called Chudney. Oh yes, you read it correctly, Chudney. And all the lads at High School will want to know if they can dump their stuff in Chudney’s locker. For fs Diana talk to some English blokes.

But what about the Brits? Are our A-listers more thoughtful or just as cynical in their kids’ naming? Well you decide, here are some of the belters that christening vicars have stumbled over in recent years:

Let’s start with the Spice Girls, who have tried to outdo each other with the names of their various offspring:

Geri (bad enough in itself) Halliwell called her sprog Bluebell. How’s she going to feel at 56 with that handle?

Emma Bunton – Beau. It’s almost normal. But is the kid Beau Bunton (silly) or Beau Jones after her partner? If the latter then it could be a very cool name if he turns out to be a rock drummer. If he becomes a breadman, god help him.

Mel B (or whatever name she now has) gave her kid the handle Phoenix Chi. And why not? It’s clearly a reminder of her Leeds home.

And so to the Beckhams who christened their kids after where they did it, who she was thinking of at the time, and favourite type of holiday thus; Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz. Very personal, so why not share it with the world?

OK surely there can’t be anything as excruciating amongst the rest of the UK celeb circles can there? Oh yes, take a look:

Olivia and George Harrison called their son Dhani. No doubt mystical but I bet he was nicknamed Osmond at school.

Helen Baxendale, my least favourite actress and likely reason that Cold Feet was axed, charmingly called her kid Nell Marmalade. Let’s hope she doesn’t marry a knight of the realm.

Jonathan Ross and Jane Goldman have called their kids Betty Kitten, Harvey Kirby and Honey Kinney. Cute but you sense that next in the series is Dicky Dido (boy) or Binky Dinky (girl).

Remember Anna Ryder Richardson from Changing Rooms? I’m told she was a promotional girl for us in the early Cellnet days. Well her kids are destined to be Country & Western stars clearly – Dixie Dot and Bibi Belle…and the Llewellyn-Bowen blue grass boys?

Simon le Bon from Duran Duran seems a sensible lad yeh? Oh yes, he and his lovely missus Yasmin have a fine line in kids’ names; Amber Rose Tamara, Saffron Sahara and Tallualh Pine. I can’t wait for the announcement of the first male child – and his name was Rio. Honestly. Sounds like they picked the names from the Dulux colour chart.

Bono. Bit out there? Oh yes. Kid’s name? Elijah Bob Patricius Guggi Q. He’s going to love that when he gets married to Janet Smith. And do you Janet take…

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin; famously called the kids Apple and Moses, which I have to say I kind of like now I write them down.

Jules and Jamie Oliver gave their kids the names Daisy Boo and Poppy Honey. The first names are quite nice too but they/she had to go and do a Rick Stein by adding one name ingredient too many.

So we come to my favourite namer and it has to be the late, quite eccentric and I should add, missed, Paula Yates. This was a woman who clearly didn’t give a frig about convention and gloriously named her children Fifi Trixibelle, Little Pixie, Peaches Honeyblossom (all with Bob G) and Tiger Lily Heavenly Hiranni (with MH). Glorious and quite batty.

Have I missed any celeb kids’ names worthy of mention? There must be some real lulus out there.

pp

ps I heard this afternoon that Charlotte and Gavin have chosen Ruby for the baby’s name. Simple and lovely.

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