spurs v arsenal: the movie

Word reaches me that the British Film Foundation and Miramax are willing to back the production of the movie ‘5-1!’ celebrating Spurs’ incredible win over Arsenal in the Carling Cup semi-final. Announcing the film, emotional director Sir Dickie Attenborough, said that ‘Although he was a lifelong Chelsea fan, he was moved to tears by the joy of watching a great football match with six cracking goals, and a crowd absolutely enthralled by the spectacle. It’s a long time since anything like that happened down the Bridge’ he sighed. But he perked up when announcing the cast list for what is sure to be the summer blockbuster, when English soccer fans will be pining for some football action.

Attenborough explained that the success of a movie such as this was to have a strong cast of home-grown talent supported by a dash of Hollywood’s finest and a sprinkling of overseas stars to attract a world-wide audience. The leading roles will be taken as follows, he announced:

The ‘Managers’:

Juande Ramos: the swarthy yet handsome Spurs manager, under-pressure and intensely sullen ….. Benecio del Toro

Arsene Wenger: the intelligent, inscrutable (some would say arrogant and miserable) manager of Arsenal…. Jon Voight

Martin Jol: the former Spurs manager, seething with indignation at his ham-fisted and unjust sacking…. Jim Broadbent

Avram Grant: the wily and sinister-looking manager of likely Cup Final opponents, Chelsea… Sir Anthony Hopkins

The ‘Players’:

Berbatov: brilliant but enigmatic Spurs striker, torn by his desire to play for a really big club up t’north..Joaquin Phoenix

Robbie Keane: talismanic captain of Spurs, full of celtic impudence and a sandwich short of a full picnic…Colin Farrell

Jermaine Jenas: languid Spurs midfielder, full of unfulfilled promise and bursting to prove himself at last… Will Smith

Little Aaron Lennon: pint-sized joker in the Spurs pack, full of aimless running and a permanent cheeky grin…Jack Black

Addy Adebayor: tall, brooding presence up front for the Arsenal, prefers to play Home Alone-style….Wesley Snipes

Niklas Bendtner: gobby, cocky Arsenal striker rarely gets the chance to show his ‘real’ worth – until tonight…Jude Law

William Gallas: former Chelski player and new Arsenal captain, seems out of place with all the kids…Denzil Washington

Cesc Fabregas: new star of the Arsenal team but does his heart lie elsewhere (like Madrid)?….Leonardo di Caprio

The ‘Official’

Howard Webb: England’s ‘finest’ referee, following the sad departure of the thing from Tring…..Pete Postlethwaite

The ‘Board’

Daniel Levy: maligned Chairman of the THFC Board, desperate to be admired for the Ramos decision …Ben Kingsley

The ‘Big Boss’

Fabio Capello: il capo di capo and new England coach watching from the stands – a cameo appearance from… Jack Nicholson

The ‘Commentator’

Alan Green: ranting, howls at the moon voice of the BBC radio 5 Live commentary team …….Sir Norman Wisdom

Don’t know what you think but that’s got be next year’s favourite for a BAFTA, Golden Globe and an Oscar. Any other sporting moments worthy of the Hollywood treatment? Suggestions here please.


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