Is it just me or has the media world got its knickers in a right old twist over men’s underpants recently? It’s impossible to move through the pages, flick across the channels or tune across the stations without coming upon (I could have phrased that better) men’s undies. I’ve got to blame David Beckham for the recent spurt (I’ll try and stop sounding like Julian Clary in a minute) in interest in the last taboo of the male wardrobe. He had to go and pose like an Italian stallion in his Armani underpants displaying his six pack and his sex pack. Can you think of any other bloke who’d go and do that other than an image-obsessed model….and Freddie Lundberg, which is more or less the same thing.
Of course not, but that sock he popped down his pants to pad out his manhood – oh come on girls, have you never ‘enhanced’ things? – has gone and stirred up feelings and now we have an endless debate, mostly conducted across women’s sections and specialist press, about what’s best; skimpy briefs, the clingy shorts or relaxed-fit boxers. We might have seen the interest blow over but up pops media-opportunist Jeremy Paxman, whose personal e-mail message to the head of M&S, Sir Stuart Rose, complaining about the lack of support his briefs now supply, gets ‘released’ to the media. Two things about this: a) who’d complain to the CEO of an organisation about something as specific as this? and b) don’t you suspect a bit of male boastfulness at play too ie dear stuart, can you fix it for me to make your underpants a big bigger and stronger to carry the full weight of my enormous johnson and love-juice globes please? it’s like carrying a dead turkey round between my legs, stu. yours jeremy.
Oh get over yourself.
Then I read in this morning’s papers that one of the most intelligent, strong-willed, independently-minded and, yes let’s face it, sexy women on TV- Kirsty Young – has gone and bid £1400 for a pair of Paxo’s undies signed by the big fella. Has your brain turned to jelly KY? If it had been the other way round any guy would be accused of being a dirty pervert. I’m just a bit speechless and I can’t help wondering two things a) were they used and unwashed like the best sports shirts because it looks like Kirsty is checking for those tell-tale marks below and b) what style of pants does Kirsty sport? I think we should know.
And then today on the way back from Stratford I hear on the radio that Richard Madeley, who cannot let his long-suffering wife Judy enjoy the ‘limelight’ as the one in the relationship with an embarrassing underwear story,
has let it be known that unlike David and Jeremy, he prefers to go commando. What possesses a man to want to declare that information unless a) he imagined that women might find him sexy, b) he loves reading about himself in the media, c) he thinks he is a closet stud muffin… but d) in reality he is just a sad f*cking excuse for a bloke. You want us to believe you’re a big prick Rick. Well you get my vote. I can never watch Richard & Judy now without thinking that all his leg-crossing is just an excuse to get himself semi-ed. I feel unwashed and sorry for Judy. How does she put up with him?
So for causing all this nonsense coverage I hope Fabio Capello gives serious consideration to whether David Beckham now deserves to be selected for his 100th cap against Switzerland. And I hope he considers this: would Bobby Charlton have posed like a gigolo in his underpants before this significant landmark? I doubt it but it’s an intriguing image. But just give DB his frigging cap and maybe he can shove it down his pants for the next photo-op and then jizz off back to the US of Armani.