The Magpies!


Disappointing news emanating from the Emirates last night but at least I was cheered to learn that iconic British film director Ridley Scott will be filming his homage to the great film maker Alfred Hitchcock. Ridley’s new film will be a re-making of the classic thriller, The Birds! Set in the remote north-east, The Magpies! will tell the tale of a once-great football club, isolated in the fog-strewn area of Tyneside, being torn apart by vicious vulturistic forces. Will the club survive the flocks of attacks or find themselves slipping slowly into the mire of banishment to the dark side in the…… Championship?

Announcing the cast list Scott described it as probably the finest collection of actors to grace any single British movie set:

The ‘Management’:

Kevin Keegan: jaunty, chipper manager renowned for his colourful puffa jackets and soft-permed hair: Lee Mead

Terry McDermott: sad-faced, unspeaking assistant with lagubrious expression: Rowan Atkinson

Mike Ashley: club owner, rich and ruthless but still believes it’s good to talk to the lads on the terrace: Bob Hoskins

Sam Allardyce: big, rough ex-manager sacked for failing to appreciate ‘The Ethos’ of NUFC (admits he thought it was the club’s Greek restaurant): Ray Winstone

Dennis Wise: aggressive evil little bastard appointed to torment poor Kevin: Gary Oldman

Chris Mort: bespectacled, urbane, charming yet hapless puppet of a Chairman: Bill Nighy

Sir John Hall: former Chairman, relishing the plight of Ashleyand sniping from the wings: Alan Rickman

Freddie Shepherd: fat dodgy businessman (made money in scrap), ran NUFC like a seedy club: James Gandolfini

The ‘Players’

Alan Shearer: ex-player and local legend; smiling, scheming assassin behind the scenes: Daniel Day Lewis

Joey Barton: current player, aggressive little scouser, sees red mist on trips home to ‘pool: Robert Carlyle

Mark Viduka: classy player when in the mood (rare), strange large head on small shoulders: Chris Moyles (cameo role)

Alan Smith: all heart player, liked by the ladies (sweet natured and misunderstood) tho’ regrets not moving to Boro: Ben Fogle

Michael Owen: prolific goalscorer when he had pace, misses foil Heskey hence permanent miserable personna: John Hannah

Warren Barton: ex-player quick to slag off the situation, cheeky chappy so gets away with it: Simon Pegg

Shooting starts at Pinewood in early March before the next round of managerial changes is expected to take place.

pp

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6 thoughts on “The Magpies!

  1. It’s so easy to criticize when you glory hunt and support a big club, isn’t it? And how typical of a Munich to have a go at Shearer. STILL bitter he turned you down? Oh well, when Berbatov does it in the summer you’ll have a new player to hate 🙂

  2. it’s only a bit of fun GP. we just lost to the blue mooners (and maybe the Prem with it) so who am i to gloat?

    actually i don’t hate shearer for turning down man u (it was a NU offer that he couldn’t refuse) but i can’t be alone in thinking his motives look odd. he’d be a big influence in the changing room at the moment (and jeez your lads seem to need it) but he doesn’t seem to want anything but the no 1 spot. thing is i’m not sure he’s made of the right stuff to be honest. do you think he’d make a great manager? he just looks too comfortable doing his media stuff. it’s easy and hugely well-paid. why bother putting up with the crap as a manager?

    if i’m wrong i’ll be the first to admit it.

    re berbatov. i think he wants away. he so fancies himself in the Champs league which he will prob never get at Spurs. no question SAF likes him but don’t think they’ve got the money to afford him to be frank.

    any thoughts on KK’s likely purchases in the summer transfer window (assuming he’s not gone by then)? there’s going to be a lot of off-loading surely? who would you keep/lose ?
    pp

  3. ps GP

    i also support (from a distance) my home town team of blackpool and watch millwall down in london with one of my mates who is a big fan. just to make you really think i’m a prat i also keep an eye on Boro since i was responsible for sponsoring them back in the juninho days. i’m also doing sponsor-finding work for watford fc so have become sensitive to their results/performances. i’ve written many a blog on the england situation over the last year or so.

    Manchester is where i was born and was my father’s family’s team. an uncle brought me a load of red memorabilia leading up to the 63 cup final and i was hooked on them as a kid. yes it was glory-related but it was nearly 50 years ago.

    i guess you could say i’m really a fan of football and i love writing about its quirks and flaws and beauty. the current stuff happening at NU is just so compelling. it is undeniably like a soap opera being played out with almost daily arrivals and departures and must be exhausting, confusing and exhilarating to be a fan. I’m just trying to say something interesting about the situation which folk may find readable even if they don’t agree. as i said earlier, it’s just a bit of idle amusement and not meant to be taken too seriously GP.
    pp

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