It might be just me but I was intrigued by some of the news reports this morning. Firstly Mohamed Al Fayed at last had his day in the dock and he didn’t disappoint did he? What a fantastic blast he had at the Establishment. He believes that Prince Philip is a Nazi (you’ve clearly been practicing the salute Mr AF) and a racist which is probably stretching reality just a little bit (but not much) but more fascinatingly he also maintains the PP was assisted by a small group of conspirators in an MI6 plot to take out Diana and his son in that infamous car crash in the Paris underpass. Supporting PP by his reckoning were Prince Charles, Tony Blair, Jonathan Powell, Robin Cook, Lord Fellowes, Lord Jay, Lord Stevens, Lord Condon, James Andanson, Henri Paul, Herve Stephan, Lord Mishcon, Dominic Lawson, Rosa Monckton, Lady Sarah McCorquodale and the very queenly Paul Burrell in cahoots with MI5, the French Secret service, the CIA and the Parisian ambulance service no less. Yes they were all involved. Now that’s what I call a conspiracy theory. Quite delusional, perhaps even howling at the moon mad, but I’d award him a British passport for giving the British judicial system its best day of fun seen since Ken Dodd beat that tax rap. Top marks Mr Al Fayed (and pasta paulie isn’t my code name in the Italian secret service…. or is it?).
Secondly Paul McCartney and his heavy-weight legal team failed to reach agreement with his equally barking estranged wife Heather, represented in court by her personal trainer and hair stylist apparently, over the seemingly longest divorce settlement of all time. So now the financial terms will be determined by a High court judge. I’m not trying to be clever here but how hard can this be Paul? You’re worth £850m I read, probably the wealthiest man in the music world. Almost all of that was earned long before you met clever Heather and therefore you believe (as Rod Liddle argued in your defence in the Sunday Times) that she simply isn’t entitled to a great wedge of your wealth. Well that’s a point of view but you were the one dopey enough to be taken in when all around you, including your own family, were warning you to be cautious about her and don’t tell me she forced you to father the child. When you’re that wealthy you aren’t going to meet a nice normal woman to share your life because you don’t move in normal circles any more. Every woman you meet is already married to a rich and powerful man or after you. Excuse my cynicism but that must be the price you pay for having that wealth.
So what’s the issue, you don’t want to pay more than £30m tops and she wants £100m? Are you really worried about her telling tales about you afterwards? So she says you have some dark moods and can be unpleasant at times. Well welcome to our world. Does it really matter that much? Do you think some criticism from this crazy woman is going to put people off buying your records? Here’s the news – you haven’t produced anything worth buying in 20 years. And how much more do you need anyway? For heaven’s sake offer her £10m and a £20m trust for the the kid and just let her go and say what she wants. What’s the worst she can say? If you’re so concerned just offer £65m to shut up and f*ck off for good. It’s probably what the judge is going to settle on and he probably won’t feel able to gag her. Honestly how hard is this? You just look like a miserable mean-spirited old git now and Heather’s looking happier by the hour: