Well it was back to the dark days for the Brits award ceremony last night. What a shambles again. Did you see it? It was actually fun to watch and a lot more spontaneity about it over say the Grammies but if it was meant to be a showcase, it certainly succeeded in highlighting our amateurish production skills. I think the show is produced/directed by the woman who used to be a backing singer for Boy George which makes for an interesting qualification for the job. And to be honest some of the sets etc were fantastic. The skyscraper set for the Kaiser Chiefs was brilliant I thought, ditto the Mark Ronson set. His spot with Amy Winehouse singing Valerie was the best on the night in my view. And I thought the dance routine supporting Leona Lewis was just stunning. Oh and Kylie looked pretty damn hot all night. But that was about it for me in terms of highlights.
The lowlights, ah where to begin?:
– the Osbournes as presenters. I actually thought the kids were decent – delivering their lines crisply and with a sense of enjoyment but even they seemed embarrassed at the old folks. Ozzie really isn’t there is he? He just cannot help but look/sound addled …because he is. He was brought on at the start to just about let everyone know he was looking forward to introducing his hero Sir Paul McCartney, at least I think that’s what he said. Then they took him off for the remainder of the show just about leaving Sharon centre-stage. I have to admit I fail to understand why she’s so popular. She’s just a dumpy little middle-aged mum – what is she doing being the centre-piece of the British music business? Did she think we’d be swooningly impressed by all those changes of dresses? It’s not like we’re watching Kylie is it? And all that shouting. Shut up! It was a bit of a mistake to keep her mike live when she eventually kicked Jim Moir out of the way and started commenting on the Arctic Monkeys’ dress sense and attitude, but that’s live broadcasting – always amusing. When Ozzie was eventually brought back on to introduce McCartney, Sharon set him up too soon – poor old Oz wouldn’t have recognised it as a hospital pass even if he’d been in A&E and in excitement he fluffed his lines a tad by calling him Mr Sir Paul. It’s a unique title in our honorary system. The Osborne kids had to rescue the situation and apologise for their parents’ ineptitude. Compelling stuff.
– Jim Moir aka Vic Reeves. He was just so pissed. The last 3 occasions I’ve seen him presenting stuff he’s been smashed. I think Sharon was probably correct in trying to overrule him and announce the award properly on his behalf but she just couldn’t stop herself from sounding like a ranting fishwife. I’m told this is not an inaccurate description for a livid Shazza. Although the picture above looks friendly enough I reckon we got quite close to a punch up there. By all accounts Jim’s livid at being publicly humiliated. Ha! But why was Jim/Vic selected to present? What’s his relevance to the music business? I’m not calling a guy for liking a drink (heaven forbid) but he’s a notorious drunk these days so why risk him or did the organisers want it to look dangerous? If so it wasn’t edgy; it just looked like kicking out time down some town centre pub with a stroppy landlady. Real amateur hour.
– The Arctic Monkeys. Great band but seriously pissed too. In their country gent gear they were clearly in the mood for taking the piss as well. It was all rock star-couldn’t-give-a-frig attitude which is alright I guess. But Oasis and many others did this better years ago and it just looks amateurish again to allow them to try and seem outrageous when all they did was look boorish and well, just juvenile. Keith Moon, bless him, probably pissed in his heavenly pants at their attempts to cause Sheffield shock.
– Take That. Happy to see them getting a couple of gongs because their comeback has been staggeringly successful but here’s a tip guys – don’t let that f*ckwit Jason do the acceptance speech, twice! Gary’s taking-himself-too-seriously routine is bad enough but Jason’s spiel about his creeping age, arthritic hips etc is just painful. Try coal mining son then tell me how hard your life is. What a big f*cking nelly. They are so close to getting back to that we-are-so-wonderful-and-this-must-continue-forever stuff that so undermined them first time around. Why cannot one of these guys just stay kind of sober and say something sincere or witty or insightful or truly humble? It’s just so under-prepared and shallow. Did no-one from their management team know/believe they were up for a gong or two? Oh come on…
– Sir Ian McKellan. I don’t wish to be funny but what the f*ck was he doing there? Chasing Mika he said as a bit of fun. But was that it..?
– Amy Winehouse. I was pleased to see she seemed on top of things and sang ‘Valerie’ beautifully soulfully. The girl has some bloody talent. But can anyone explain why she wasn’t even nominated for the Best British female artist? Eh? Kate Nash seemed embarrassed to receive it and didn’t perform at all I think. Amy did two songs and stole the show. How does that square? It wasn’t just odd; it was perverse.
– Sir Paul McCartney. I think I might be alone, having read some reviews this morning, in thinking that his set was very shaky. I couldn’t help thinking that the opening solo with ‘Dance Tonight’, mandolin in hand just made him look like George Formby. If he’d tweated ‘turned out nice again’ I’d have howled. But SPM takes himself too seriously too and he was never going to do that. ‘Live and Let Die’ was fine but only because the pyrotechniques took over. I think his voice sounds tremulous and Hey Jude sounded really shaky to me. I don’t think he can hold a note any more but hey dude, everyone in the world, other than me, thought it was great. So what do I know?
So there we are. Some great stuff and some horror stuff. Not quite the disaster of Sam Fox/Mick Fleetwood proportions but I can see that Sharon – Jim Moir scene being played out many times over the coming years. Another unintentional TV magic moment spawned by poor decision-making and direction at the Brits. The world must have been truly impressed. Why not just call it the Better Get Pissed awards and cease the pretension? Whatever, I’m off for a glass of wine or two.