really crap movies

Well since I’m on a dvd kick at the moment I thought I’d let you know of two movies which are total and utter crap just in case you get invited to watch them. One I watched last night, the other we bought recently at our local supermarket here. It was in the sales offer bin and I now know why. Film one – Beaches- one of my daughter’s favourites. It stars Bette Midler and Barbara Hershey, neither of whom appear to have done anything since.

The plot’s about two young girls who meet on a beach, become pen pals, meet up in later life and maintain a love/hate relationship until one (the pretty one) dies. The not-so-pretty-one sings the Wind Beneath My Wings to her memory. That’s it but they drag it out to 125 very long minutes. There is no more. It’s like the musical version of Terms of Endearment, without the fine acting. Every woman I know seems to like it perhaps because it seems to touch that female buddy button. I understand the sentiment of true friends and all that but having seen it once I can tell you that I’d rather bite through my wrists slowly than endure it again.

Secondly a more macho kind of film starring a fairly decent cast – Steve Martin, Helena Bonham Carter, Kevin Bacon and Laura Dern who cannot rescue a real munter of a movie called Novocaine. He (SM) is a dentist (it’s already lost its appeal eh?) who gets to do HBC in the dentist’s chair but she’s mixed up with a crazy guy (his drifting brother) who’s secretly having a thing with LD his girlfriend. I think it’s meant to be one of those twists within twists kind of plots but it’s total shite. He saves himself by  extracting his teeth without novocaine and inserting his brother’s, or something. I cannot tell you how bad it is. If somebody would like to own it please shout and I’ll happily air mail it to you. There’s one bit where Laura Dern, who I don’t really know, tries to look tough as a karate expert or something  which is just bizarrely funny and then she turns up to work in an ensemble which consists of royal blue dress, blue shoes and blue tights and she’s a gangly awkward looking girl. She looks like a frigging smurf on growth hormones. It is dire, dire, dire. Steve Martin, was this the beginning of the end or the end of the line? Yes that is a v. big molar he’s threatening somebody with below:-


So, can you top these movies for awfulness? – I doubt it.




3 thoughts on “really crap movies

  1. PP agree with the comments on Beaches, I’ve never understood the appeal and Midler has only done one good film (The Rose).

    However I think I can top both yours with the 1995 Johnny Depp self indulgent tosh called ‘Dead Man’. The first time I’ve cheered when at last the character dies and we were all released from purgatory. I’m sure you can remember the blessed relief of the bar after the round of self congratulation, oh and that film had possibly the worst ever soundtrack (by Neil Young I think)

  2. ah ha mr. it had been deleted from the memory banks to save further hurt but yes i do recall that one and what a munter. i remember we were attending the cannes film festival (how come i never did a posting on that?) and this was that year’s ‘s big movie. huh.

    as well as being incomprehensible nothing seemed to happen until johnny depp’s character died…. very, very slowly. it was a close call between his life and our will to live. those post-movie drinks could have been delivered by st bernard dogs; they were so reviving.

    yep i’ll give you that one – there’s a great top 10 (or maybe that should be bottom) of the most awful films. any more out there?

    ciao m

  3. Pingback: crazy tights

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