I’ve been catching up with lots of UK tv as you can tell from recent blogs and whilst it is immeasurably better than Italian telly in terms of general quality (although nothing comes close to matching their presenters), it’s still full of truly annoying people. And I’m sure it can’t be just me.
I’ve already written extensively on the radio presenters who drive me nuts; Terry Wogan and his blabbering blarney, Jon Gaunt and his taxi-driver opinions (sacked), Alan Green and his incessant comments about everything being shocking, Victoria Derbyshire’s faux primness and last, but not slimmest, the ego that is Chris Moyles. I look forward to the spin he puts on his imminent enforced departure from Radio 1…. ‘the move to Radio 2 to work alongside my heroes Terry Wogan and Jonathan Ross is a dream for me and an opportunity just too good to turn down’. I’m sure it will be Chris but it’ll still be a delicious sacking.
Anyway back to the prats on the box. This was going to be a very long list but I’ve narrowed it down to a less than magnificent 7:
Paul O’Grady: how does this guy manage to get himself an early evening prime time chat show and to sell hundreds of thousands of copies of his autobiography? What on earth is his appeal? An unfunny acid-mouthed queen whose co-presenter is a mangy pooch. I’ve never met anyone who finds him remotely funny or entertaining. Sorry, apparently Cilla Black thinks he’s great company but then again she’s a huge admirer of Dale Winton. Nuff said?
Richard Madeley: still the King of the Pricks. I love to watch him because he’s always likely to create an on air train crash or foot in mouth moment. The other day he was interviewing the diminutive Paul Daniels (see below) and his lovely assistant-in-life Debbie McGee. Judy was doing her best (bless her) by asking the solid questions like ‘how did you guys meet?’ when Richard, obviously sensing the need to pep things up, suddenly blurts out the searching question ‘and how long was it before you did it?’ Ah priceless. Judy did her ‘tsk tsk oh Richard’ stuff and Debbie dropped her eyes and looked very sheepish – I suspect there’s a story to be told there. But we weren’t to find out what it was. Daniels just made some corny reply. Now I would have had to strike back with a cutting little question of my own because you just know Richard couldn’t resist rising to the bait. Something like ‘well that’s a very personal question Richard. What if i asked you how long does it take Judy to polish off the first bottle of Pinot after the show…..less than 10 minutes? You just know he’d come back with ‘ah come on it’s at least half an hour’ ……. as Judy gives him that I’d-love-to-sink-a-knife-slowly-between-his-shoulder-blades look.
Paul Daniels: ah the very unlovable little illusionist. There’s just so much not to like. He’s very opinionated about everything under the sun but it’s very clear from watching him and his family on All Star Family Fortunes recently (I must get out more) that in terms of smarts Paul possesses not a lot. He was the first guest on that great radio show on Radio 4 where celebs fess up to things they’ve never done do before. You’d be amazed to learn of some of the things PD has never done – like go in a pool. I don’t know if it is the fear of all syrup wearers but our Paul likes swimming not a lot too. How can you go through life not wanting to know what it’s like to have a swim? Very odd. For more insight into his life, views and enormous ego, go check out http://www.pauldaniels.co.uk. You’ll like it; maybe not a lot.
John McCririck: I’ve watched a bit of the Cheltenham festival coverage over the last couple of days and Mac is more than a buffoon – he’s a nasty piece of work. He constantly refers to his assistant who updates the viewer on the online betting scene as ‘the female’. Never by her name. Why do Channel 4 allow him to get away with this? His views on women generally are not just old-fashioned; they are positively cretaceous. He looks weird and I can’t help thinking that he probably smells like a sweaty self-abuser. Very weird guy.
Ian Beale: ie the character on Eastenders. He is such a gimp. For some reason he’s taken to wearing a biker’s leather jacket like someone out of ‘On the Waterfront’ and sporting one of those mobile phone ear pieces. This is whilst he’s running a chip shop-cum-Indian. All very bizarre. The character is a total loser yet he thinks he’s a top business-man. It’s preposterous and just so annoying.
Sherie Hewson: from Loose Women. Loose in the head more like. She’s just so dizzy and stupid. I cannot stand her. She’s a regular guest on Through the Keyhole (I bet you’re thinking that I watch too much day-time TV) and she always claims to have the name of the hidden celebrity home-owner on the tip of her tongue but just cannot recall it. It’s not that you cannot recall the name love; you haven’t a frigging clue. On the few occasions she attempts to name ‘whose home it is’ she gets it wrong by a country mile. I have to smile every time David Frost has to say ‘I’m sorry Sherie it’s not Tom Cruise’s home; it’s actually Su Pollard’s, but good try’. Yep that was so close Sherie. Numpty.
Charlie Dimmock: ah what can I say about the woman who, it is said, brought sex into gardening except that to me she’s about as sexy as dutch elm disease. What a bloody moaner and whinger and for god’s sake get a hairstyle love, wear some make-up and put on some jeans that fit and a frigging bra for all our sakes. That west country accent and country girl look may have been alright when you were 17 but 30 years later it’s like watching the uglier sister Worzella Lawson.
Look if you can come up any names more annoying than these people I’d be delighted to hear from you. You’re going to have to search hard though I reckon.