I’m just recovering. No, not from the Fat Duck bug; I’m well over that and back to my fighting weight (the ‘Chris Moyles’ or as it’s more commonly known, size XXL). Last week I was having a shave whilst C was in the bath. As I changed the dull blade in my Sensor Excell, the mirror became steamed up so I was flying blind with a new and very sharp triple-bladed razor, about to shave the back of my very tender-skinned head. Regular readers will know what happened next. Yep. I didn’t just nick myself, I nearly took my f*cking ear off.
I took a deep gouge almost one inch long out of my head. Holy Mary, mother of Jesus. And in seconds of course rich scarlet rivers of blood were pouring down my neck, down my body and onto the pure white bath mats. Oh bloody hell. I jumped into the bath which C had by now vacated and proceeded to transform the soapy scene into something resembling the opening sequence from Saving Private Ryan.
After several pints and half an hour later I managed to staunch the bleeding with a wad of toilet paper the size of my fist. That was fine but everytime I removed the wadding the redstone geyser just started spurting again. I wouldn’t have minded walking around the flat with half a toilet roll stuck to my pate but I had a business meeting in town that morning, and it wasn’t a look that was likely to impress. Long story short, we eventually found a plaster large enough to cover the gash and stop the flow. I might have looked like Ricky Hatton after a bad night at the office but it was marginally better than Mr Potato Head meets the Andrex puppy.
Anyway the huge scab has finally cleared and I’m able to shave the area again without looking like the Singing Detective each morning.But it got me thinking that Gillette have got their product range all wrong for guys like me. I see they are promoting a 3 stage shaving formula at the moment – a pre-shave lotion, then application of the shaving gel (and shave, using the latest multi blade razor of course), then a post-shave balm solution. Who’s going to go to fall for that why buy one Gillette product when you could buy no less than 4 strategy? Well not me Mr G. Here’s another thing; I’ve been using the gel stuff for years until I had ran out of it whilst over in Italy and was unable to buy some in our local shop. So I ended up buying some of the dreadfully old-fashioned basic shaving foam. The stuff that old men use. And guess what; it works just as well as it ever did, and certainly as well as gel, and it costs about a fifth of the price. And then there are the multi-blade razors. They are useless for head shaving because they are forever getting clogged up and rendered ineffective. I could really do with a proper single blade razor for the initial head scrape like we used to have in the Middle Ages. And for those odd occasions when I do slice into myself why don’t Gillette et al provide a staunching solution or neat little nick plaster? It doesn’t really feel like the range is the best this man can get. It’s not much to ask after 40 years of faithful custom is it?