dress sense…or not

You know me; can’t resist thinking about the searing issues of the day. And  today I’ve been mulling over what makes certain people dress the way they do (such a deep thinker). Or more precisely what compels someone in the public eye to go to the trouble to create a style which is highly distinctive and at the same time completely frigging weird.

Take Karl Lagerfeld. Please. He’s one of the most respected designers in the world; producing stunning creations for Chanel and Fendi as well as his own successful range. The world’s most beautiful women adore him; only this week the lovely Alexa Chung described him as a God. Well He must have something but it sure as hell can’t be His dress sense. Take a look at the typical Lagerfeld look: SPL76094_012  

He’s the one on the left in case you didn’t know.  And yes Karl is still looking for Miss Right though not searching too hard if you get my drift.

Anyway back to the look. He always appears in black to show off His white-powdered snowy hair and attractive 12” pony-tail. I know that always goes down well with the girls. Even Francis Rossi’s smacked the pony on the head.   

Also appearing are the trademark oversized sunglasses, the terribly uncomfortable high starched collars and large tie featuring the unlamented  footballers’ knot. Plus of course the black leather gloves with missing finger ends which are just a little creepy.

This isn’t a fancy dress party or gay bikers’ conference; this is the style He always affects publicly. Don’t you think that one of His minions could have turned to him before now to say, ‘Hey Karl you look like a cross between a Victorian undertaker and a gimp in that outfit mate’ but no, it’s the old emperor’s clothes scenario with none of His accolytes having the stomach to tell Him the  awful news.

Ah well at least He’s not alone in his membership of the ‘what the f**k were you thinking?’ style club which has an interesting clientele. Next up another famous bugger; dear old Reg himself.     

elton-collage_0  Now we all know that Elton has sported the most outrageous costumes for his stage performances and for his wildly-themed parties. 

But Elt’s rather extravagant dress style extends to his everyday clothes too. Of course everything is beautifully tailored; it’s just that he cannot resist looking as colourful as a graceful peacock (even for the most sombre affairs). The problem though is that he’s shaped more like a dumpy penguin. That  and the fact that he over-accessorises like a WAG on speed.

Take a look at this image to see what I mean. And this is a relatively sobre outfit for the Rocket Man. I can just see those colours making onto the Watford away strip next season.   That’ll go down well in Div 1.


But let’s have a change of direction now away from the glam and the glitz. There is one numchuck who shall forever be associated with making the humble woolly jumper a thing of derision. No it’s not Val Doonican nor Frank Bough. I’m talking about Giles ‘teddy bear’ Brandreth.


That’s him to the left of Carol Vorderman before she discovered dirty sex. And that’s one of his amusing woolly numbers. If ever a man looked a prize prick it’s Giles the smiles. I was staggered to find out that he’s happily married with three kids. I would have bet the house that the ex-Conservative MP  spent many happy hours in Camp David. Just goes to show eh.  You can’t judge a man by the gaiety of his pullovers.

But I’ve got a hunch that I’m on firmer ground with the next member of the WTFWYT?  style club, John Galliano, the chief designer of France’s haute couture flagship Christian Dior. I know that none of these fellahs are ever going to make it into the lumberjack hall of fame but JG is the fashion designer  whose personal dress sense really makes me want to shout TIMBER! It’s a bit like David Niven meets Captain Jack Sparrow; it’s mad and totally unique. This is his leather jacket look. Ian Beale eat your heart out:


Ah you’ve got to have some front to carry that one off. And speaking of which, here’s a man with a lot of front; the misogynistic lead belly that is John McCririck. He could be the most unlikeable man in the UK after Sir Fred Goodwin and that mad cleric with the hook for a hand. This is typical of what the Big Mac believes makes for good fashion sense; more bling than Mr T,  stupid head-gear, garishly-coloured suits, specs on a string and those cute wispy sideburns. Easy girls…


He’s just a weirdo.

You’re probably wondering if this is an exclusively male club. Well there are loads of women who dress badly (mostly on GMTV) but I had to think long and hard to try and come up with a woman whose style is unique, readily-defining and totally bizarre.  Ladies and gentlemen may I present to you yet another designer, the incomparable  Zandra Rhodes:


You need big ones to walk down the red carpet dressed like that and Zandra’s are made of 100% stainless steel.  

And finally… I offer you not one, not two but a bloody trio of the most stylistically-challenged presenters on UK tv and they all appear on the same programme. Not possible? Oh yes it is. The programme is none other than Time Team which has made archaeology a prime time hit whilst creating a fashion look which is positively Stone Age. Here are the Holy fashionista Trinity:


That’s Tony Baldrick Robinson to the left who always seems to be wearing cute beeny hats, sun glasses and baseball hats designed for a 16 year old. I understand he has a new young girlfriend and this might explain it. It’s touching but he looks a complete prick (even though I think he’s utterly great at presenting the show).

In the middle is Phil Harding. How can I describe the archaeological prince Philip? He talks with a back woods west country accent and takes his style cues from the extras in Deliverance. His long, lank, greasy rat-tailed hair is starting to thin alarmingly and rather than have it cut like any normal man, he has chosen to cover it in a sweat-laden fedora. How the girls on the digs keep their hands off him I’ll never know – especially when he dons his skimpy denim shorts exposing his shockingly pale and hairless legs as in the picture below:

Ooh ah eh girrrls!

The final member of the team is Prof Mick Aston the lead archaeologist on the team. Mick has strange hair too – it’s all white and long like Karl’s must look if He lost the elastic band in his pony tail. Now the thing about Mick is that he wears woolies that would make Giles Brandreth blush.  His bobble hats, gloves and jumpers are all multi-coloured striped numbers that look as if they’d been made by his wife with any old bits of wool. Nothing matches and everything clashes violently. And he doesn’t care because he’s a nutty professor. Have a look at a typical jumper:


He makes Lee  Meads look positively monochromatic.

If you can suggest any  further inductees to the no-Style Council I’d be delighted to consider your proposals.



8 thoughts on “dress sense…or not

  1. Ok daahlings, big mwwwhaaar air kiss to you all and here goes for funky ‘must have’ Helen’s thoughts on who are crap dressers (unlike moi)…

    Nancy Dell’Ollio – hard to imagine that this ladyboy lookelikee comes from the country that gave us Versace, D&G, Roberto Cavalli, Armani et al. Remember the red leather ensemble on a night out with Sven? Oh Lordy…

    Jodie Marsh – the two belt crossover wrenched over surgically enhanced breasts really showed off her deluxe malibu tan (10% discount at Tanya’s Tans, Basildon). For those girls who aspire to be a WAG (Unibond League), follow Jodie’s style example and you may just end up on ‘Here’s my Celebrity stool sample’. Or a semi pro footballer called Dwayne.

    David Dickinson – cheap as chips spivvy pinstripe suits with generous helpings of gold jewellery, white collared pastel shirts with monogram, and cuban heels slip ons. Mmmm..

    Amy Winehouse – accessorises her beehive look well with natty little Blake-themed tattoos, blood stained ballet shoes, and drug track marks. Particularly uses colour matches well when mixes residue of coke around the nostrils with this season’s little black dress.

    Ant and Dec – I know they’re both short arses, but do they have to wear their suits in the style of Norman Wisdom – that question goes to MR. GRIMSDALE ….

    Jeremy Clarkson – pity his clothes are not Top Gear (quite proud of that pun). A middle aged man wearing 80’s jeans with a jacket or leather bomber jacket is never a good look. Also guilty – Francis Rossi and Rick Parfitt who accessorise this look for its full worth with a white sports socks combo. Truly hideous

    Ricky Hatton – Manc chav look at it’s finest. Has a good line in tracky bottoms and baseball caps.

    Christine and Neil Hamilton – one wears clashing bright colours from Debenhams, the other wears dicky bows.

    Princess Anne & Prince Charles – Formidable styling from the HRHs. Anne favours a 1950’s public school ma’m look or riding gear. Charles favours either a heavily decorated military uniform or a charming safari suit combo especially when visiting very hot countries where he’s flown in with an entourage of jet planes in order to tell us how we should save the environment. What a pair of fashionista w*nkers.

  2. hi hel (again!)

    i thnk i’ll just leave the humorous blogging stuff to you. tremendous stuff. i was tempted to mention charles and amy funnily enough. the rest are great shouts.

    think i might just be ernie wise to your eric morecambe. i’ll just feed you the lines….

    don’t stop commenting!


  3. They say there’s a book in everyone – haven’t managed it yet although watch this space for belly laughs and hopefully a nice pension provided by ‘Diary of a Psychiatric Nurse’. In the meantime, your excellent blog provides some great topics which gives aspiring Eric’s out there to write some funny stuff. Hey, the Apprentice in on tv tonight – now that’s worth commenting on!
    Hope you’re ok bro

  4. hi hel

    wonder if folks spotted the familial link? or as sir alan might say, “You’re sired! (by the same father)’. think i’ll be watching kevin and grand designs tonight over the apprentice. i just can’t stand the sugar oaf spoutin’. whilst kevin mc has the job i’d sooo love to have.

    we’re all good thks hel. heading back to italy v soon for a spell.
    hope you’re ok.

    sounds like a great book idea – balance the light and shade neatly and you’ll be on richard & judy’s book club before you can say ‘hey jude, don’t take my glass; there’s a bottle coming, to make it better’.

    keep on checking in sis.

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  6. hi EB

    oh my – i just rant on about anything that catches my eye. this has to be the most unfocused, least specific and totally random blogsite out there. tomorrow it’ll probably be about dry stone walling – but please check in anytime!


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