Well the latest clutch of luvvies have received their knighthoods to recognise such incredibly selfless work as commanding the starship Enterprise. To boldly honour eh. I’ve written before about people who I think are more deserving causes (check the search list) and it’s clear Her Madge is getting some really crap advice about who should receive the gongs. So I thought I’d make my last posting of 2009 my personal nominees to HM of the ‘honourees’ for some special awards.
Order of the Garter: the highest honour, to be attached by HM around the windpipe of the recipient and slowly tightened. Awarded to my list of those most likely to be lined up first against the wall come the glorious revolution (regular readers can probably list these for me):
– Bruce Forsyth, for lacking many things; any humility, comedy sense, ability to read a simple autocue, whilst having an excess of age, ridiculous false hair, self-regard and punch-lines.
– Kerry ‘the porker’ Katona, for somehow earning a fortune whilst having no talent whatsoever, and for the old-world charm of her partner.
– Sherrie Hewson, for simply re-defining the term fuckwit;
– Chris ‘Mr Potato Head’ Moyles, the self-styled saviour of Radio 1 who single-handedly built an audience of 8m listeners whose combined IQ totalled no less 847. A man for whom the term self-deprecation meant something you did into some Kleenex.
– Paul Daniels, for acting like a magician (yawn) when everyone knows it’s all a trick.
– Marquis of Bath, for not doing many things; washing, bathing, dressing/talking/paying taxes like a normal person.
– Prince Philip, yes your Madge ‘im indoors, for his concern for all those less fortunate than himself – especially the ‘slitty-eyed’,’wogs’ and ‘pickaninnies’. Yes marm, a man of infinite grace.
– Alan Green, for being so DISGUSTED! with everything and unusual in a football commentator, failing forever to talk about what he’s paid to deliver – comments on the match.
– Richard Madeley for re-defining the term prize-prick.
– Sir Cliff Richard for his ability to attract an army of doting female admirers whilst having not the slightest scrap of interest in the fair sex.
CBE; the next level of honorary annoyance; the Can Be Exasperating – the up-and-coming next tier of the most irritating personalities:
– Gerry Halliwell, for services to pyscho-babble;
– Amanda Holden, for trying a bit too hard to be the next big thing especially when she’s starring in the Big Top.
– Barbara Windsor, for thinking she’s a diva, when she’s actually an old bucket.
– Noel Edmonds, for services to shoe-lifts, too-tight shirts that only he would wear, out-dated facial-hair style and for dressing up as a gay elf on his Xmas programmes.
– Ben Fogle, for services to talentlessness other than public school enthusiasm.
– Peter Stringfellow, for so many qualities. Let’s just limit it to for services to mullets and leopard-shin man thongs.
– Bobby Gould, for laughing inanely at his own unfunny stories and for making Sherrie Hewson look like a Mensa grandmaster.
I could go on but have got timed out – gotta go to my daughter’s NYE party. I’m sure you can think of more candidates. Have a great 2010 everyone!
Here’s my suggestions for useless tw*ts that will probably end up with awards for their services to Britain…
Prince Michael of Kent & his Austrian wife.
Sarah Ferguson – weight watcher of the year
Alan Carr – not as funny as Channel 4 thinks he is
Tony Mowbray – nice bloke but needs some elocution lessons
and a HNY.
some good shouts but i’m not sure tony mowbray has to worry about sounding unintelligible whilst he manages a team in glasgow! only mcjoking
What about nominees for an OBE – Offering Bullsh*t Everytime
– A shoe in for the much (and deservedly) maligned Alan Green, who has no value, relevance or capability to the game of football at any level.
– David Pleat, for crimes similar to the above but for doing so in such a manner that he actually believes he knows his trouser cushion from a bend in his arm. Compounded by his unitelligable witterings on tactics in the Observer.
– Nicky Campbell who single handedly destroys any interest anyone has in the Five Live breakfast show. Whilst he was away over Christmas the show was a delight of humour, informed comment and powerful political interviews, now he’s back we have chippy Jock comment and sh*te jokes.
– Bernie Ecclestone, come on Bernie just tell us you run your own private club and make f*ck loads of money in as many ways as possible – ain’t that the truth?
– The Christian Scientists, see Bernie Ecclestone above!
Ah yes CC I’d forgotten the Pleatmeister, almost rivalled by one G Taylor for his uncanny ability to state the bleeding obvious.
I don’t think it’s seemly for men approaching their 50’s to call themselves Nicky. Quite agree his broadcasts are more about how many witty pithy phrases he can cram into a programme. You can almost hear him smiling a his own bon mots.
I’m looking forward to seeing how bernie and the FIA deal with Briatore successfully overturning his life-time ban. Not quite sure where this leaves the ruling body!
great stuff cc