separated at birth?


So there I was in the fast check-out queue at my local M&S when the young chap on the till pauses from swiping the bar codes on my goods and tells me how much he enjoys the programme and asks whether I still get to watch my local rugby club what with all the filming and all that. Er… He catches the look of slight befuddlement on my face, mouths the word ‘Masterchef?’ in that questioning sort of way. Ah it dawns on me that he thinks I’m that great-looking chef John Torode from the very popular TV foodie programme. The talented slim one with lots of hair. Then instantly I realise he’s actually confusing me with the fat bald one. The greengrocer. What? Me a lookie-likey for Gregg Wallace? Jeez. I smiled the Gregg smile and thought seriously about replying that it’s almost impossible now to get to the rugby because that gaylord JT is such a coke fiend that we have to re-shoot every scene 25 times until we get his bit in the can. But I didn’t. I simply said  ‘of course’ and winked the Gregg wink at him and his attractive female colleague. I know, I know.

You’re probably thinking like me that the young lad might be a few optic nerves short of the full 20-20 vision. I mean Gregg Wallace…he couldn’t be more unlike me if he tried.  But the very next day I was parking the car outside our house when two young kids about 10 -11 years old stopped me just as I got out of the car to say ‘alright Gregg?’. Er… this was getting a bit weird. Of course I gave them the double-barrelled Gregg smile and the wink as I answered ‘yeh, how you guys doing?’ in my best New Covent Garden patois.

Now you might think it’s a little bizarre, but I’ve been compared to other people before; during the hair days the pallid Jimmy White was mentioned  once or twice, then as the hair began to disappear Phil Collins and as the weight began to appear round the midriff, Danny Devito. Danny frigging Devito!!!! And now it’s the Greggmeister who, if truth be told I like enormously. But physically we’re as alike as Richard & Judy. Check the images below to see what I mean. Surely some mistake?

Chunky Greg Wallace

Hunky Pasta Paulie

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