Oh dear it’s not a very flattering description is it, but there’s more. The comments on this particular person were released this week by members of the diplomatic service via WikiLeaks and the Daily Mail. We learn that the person was described as ‘cocky’ and ‘rude’ by a U.S. ambassador as he carried out his duties as Britain’s special trade representative to the Middle East. Colleagues put this behaviour down to an inferiority complex about being mentally challenged – something of a family trait. This may be a slight exaggeration, but his attitude certainly drew attention to the fact that he was invariably out of his depth at meetings.
His arrival, not just in the Gulf but everywhere – is now part of the folklore of the diplomatic service because of the reams of instructions about his likes and dislikes — ranging from demands that the drinking water should be served at room temperature to detailed food preferences. There was also a 6ft-long ironing board that he insisted went everywhere he went lugged around by a valet (a word that always had to be pronounced with an emphasis on the ‘t’) struggling off the plane with it.
There was invariably a moment of high drama at the end of each of the Prince’s visits — when the luggage was being loaded into our convoys to go the airport (the valet having already gone ahead in an embassy minibus with his trusty ironing board). At this point, the Bahraini royal protocol escort would always hand over bags of presents. The equerry would then rush forward and say these were X’s personal presents and that embassy personnel were not to touch anything.
Now what do you think was in those bags? The late emir, Sheikh Isa, gave a solid gold boat to X’s elder brother for his wedding gift and that subsequently ended up in a London auction house. Umm.
Now you must have guessed by now or already know who X is; yes it’s none other than His Royal Buffoonness, Prince Andrew. I should offer thanks to WikiLeaks for confirming our worst impressions of the lesser members of the Royal family. We ought to be running them out of town or stringing them up but I’ve just thought of the perfect job for this loud-mouth, free-loading, bung-happy, untrustworthy imbecile. He should be the FA’s chief representative at FIFA. All that snooty Swiss totty too. Was ever a man more suited to a role?
Basically we picked the wrong Royal; we went with the nice wholesome young Prince Wiliam when we should have gone with the dissolute uncle Andrew, Duke of York. With his connections he could have squared away Qatar in 2022 for England in 2018 no sweat – a word in the Emir’s shell-like and a goody bag full of you-know-what and the World Cup would have been ours. Royal frigging d’oh!
We were employing Andy Anson when our chef de mission should have been Andy Windsor the Prince of Weight for 201-eight! I wonder if they need a head of sloganeering at the FA?