Medical update…….Gary Neville’s first punditry footballing words; ‘be careful what you wish for’. He was talking about a new manager. It’s so banal but so relevant to my own situation.
I had a sigmoidoscopy a week or so ago. I was reminded of Gary’s words before I spoke to the registrar yesterday after she’d consulted on my stomach problem. I was delighted to be told I didn’t have diverticulitis as I really didn’t fancy the idea of having that as an ongoing problem. The downside is I do have something else and I’m guessing it’s not good. And now I need a CT scan and another invasive filmic examination up my back passage, this time to the far far reaches of my colon. Oh deep, deep joy. A slightly inflamed bowel lining seems like a not-too-bad condition now I think about it.
I’m not trying to anticipate what the prognosis might be but here’s the deal. I know I inherited my father’s hair gene. The one which resulted in near baldness at 30. Thanks Dad. But is that the worst that can happen in life? Of course not. Believe it or not full-headed readers but being shaven-headed is massively more appealing to me than struggling with creeping baldness (though a lot of frigging extra shaving work).
My dad and his forbears I forgive. I can live without hair. The problem is that I have more than likely inherited my mother’s Smith family gene for susceptibility to cancer. It’s taken my mum, her brother and sister and own mother. I don’t know for sure as yet but I kind of suspect it given the coded language in which I’m being spoken to and the almost menstruating quality of my early morning sessions on the loo. Sorry to be so graphic readers. Would it have been so bad to have been blessed with my mum’s luxurious hair gene and Bob’s mild stomach issues? Lawdy where were you when it came to overseeing my family’s natural selection processes eh? I think the Great Architect must have had his back turned sorting out those pesky Yorkies when the Lancashire Smith family genome was being assembled.
Hey ho. Another bulletin this time next week folks
Recently I offered up some criticism of some new programmes on ITV which were supposed to be light entertainment but were in fact as funny as anal warts. I didn’t think I’d be returning to the subject so soon but tonight I saw the last 10 minutes of the BBC sit-com The Wright Way. It was the last in the series apparently. It ought to be the last thing that Ben Elton ever gets paid to write again. In fact I want him to personally refund my tv licence. It was crapper than crap, it was uberultracrap.
So here’s the tweet from Wayne confirming the new member of the Rooney clan, Klay, brother of course to young Kai. Krikey that’s one kooky moniker for a kid don’t you think? How on earth did they kome up with that krazy Khristian name? Do you think they may like watching ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ a banal US tv show about a family all seemingly christened with names beginning with the letter K (apart from the son who’s called Rob, of course)? What other explanation is there?
So SAF’s retired and will be replaced by Everyon’s David Moyes, Mancini and his valet have left the Etihad, Pulis has been sacked from Stoke, Martinez is thinking about both that job and the Everton vacancy, Mourinho’s leaving Real and heading back to Chelsea, maybe, to replace Benitez who’s heading everywhere there’s a vacancy it seems now that his CV is all glitzty again. Yes it’s football’s pantomine season when club chairmen don their Baron Hardup outfits and seek to replace their ugly sister managers with a shiney new Buttons.
It’s a dry and witty read of course but mostly it’s cutting as I can’t take easily to a 47 year old man whose twin passions are a) cake-making and b) his bloody appearance. He should have the words ‘sponsored by VO5 extreme gel wax’ etched onto his forehead. There’s just something deeply unappealing and untrustworthy about a long-term married man whose grooming regime would make Liberace blush. And wouldn’t you know it, he’s only gone and run off with his co-presenter on the American version of the show 34 year old Marcela Valladolid. You could have knocked me over with some choux pastry when I read those headlines. Who’da thunk it eh? I kinda knew all that styling mousse wasn’t for Mary Berry’s benefit. Talk about having your cake and wanting to eat some muffin on the side. I wonder what the missus said when Paul offered her this tiny peace offering? Oh I wish I’d been there:
Well David Beckham’s gone and announced his retirement now but surely the biggest news item in this week was the publication of yet another of my postings in the fabulous high50 site. Alright David might have stolen the front page headlines but it was big news in this household I can tell you and I’m sure old Clarkson must be quaking in his Sunday Times boots at such an amusing new columnist. Long-standing readers may remember this posting about one of my early public appearance successes heading up the marketing function at mobile network Cellnet. I still blush today at the memory but you’re welcome to enjoy my indignity: