Chill Bill: Volume 1

I used to think I had the best of jobs when I headed up the marketing team at Cellnet and then topped it when I became Head of Sponsorship at BT. Both roles had their difficult moments: at Cellnet I worked for some really twatty bosses (exceptions BMc and SA) whereas at BT I had a great boss but the bureaucracy was numbing. But that apart I had a ball, working with some great guys and doing some of the most cutting edge, award-winning and, let’s be honest, enjoyable marketing stuff you could imagine. And they paid me. Bliss. But here’s the thing, I think I’ve found the law enforcement equivalent of the very best job in the world. Well in the Met Police. Here’s a clue:

police deer

Some older readers may recall the great US cop series Hill St Blues and its opening scenes at 7.08am roll call. The daily assignments would be read out by grizzled sergeant Phil Esterhaus and they were always fraught with such varying degrees of danger that he would always finish off with his trademark warning…..

Ah you’d be left tingling with anticipation and anxiety. Now I’d like to think that something similar happens in the bowels of Teddington Police station each morning. Desk Sarge Bill Eastham issues his daily duty roster; officers Marks and Spencer you will head over to Hounslow to deal with the BNP/Muslim fundamentalist cleric stand-off, officers Bang and Olufsen you will join up with the drug squad in Staines to perform a snatch operation on the Albanian crack gang who’ve taken over Ali G’s operation, officers Mason and Fortnum your task will be to get over to Feltham Young Offenders centre as quickly as possible to help quell the riot there, officers Rigby and Peller you will give much needed support over at Heathrow Terminal 4 where some Chechen terrorists are holding an Aeroflot crew hostage, and finally officers Jammy and Dodgers you two guys have been assigned to Bushy Park to take on the difficult task of ensuring visitors feel safe and protected. And hey you two, just watch your backs. OK?

Yep that’s the one assignment all the guys must fear. I can just imagine them wringing their hands with mock dread… Oh no, not a whole day in Bushy Park doing speed traps on the pram pushers and queuing up with all the yummy mummies in their skimpy tops and summer shorts in the Pheasantry Cafe to make sure the coffee and doughnuts haven’t been contaminated in a terrorist sarin attack or throwing themselves selflessly between the kiddies and the birdlife to prevent some of the ducks getting bread abuse. Oh the brutality of a long 8 hour shift spent driving around one of London’s most beautiful parks amidst the roaming deer and stunning plane trees. Please Sarge, no….anything but Bushy Park in the sunshine. Sorry lads, today you’re pic-nicked!

It’s a scenario as chilling as any Quentin Tarantino movie…..!



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