There’s a new sit-com just started on the radio. Based in Geordieland it’s called ‘Y’a tarkin shite man’ and it involves the goings-on at a shambolically-managed footie club affectionately known as the Doon, so called because, as the locals put it, that’s where the club’s gannin’ next season.
Now there’s a fascinating cast of characters:
– the club is owned by self-made businessman My Cashley who’s become very rich selling expensive tat to people with broad waists and limited imaginations. However his business skills appear to get left at the reception desk whenever he enters the club and some of the decisions he makes cause huge hilarity in the footie world. One of the funniest things he did was to give an 8 year unbreakable contract to a manager who’d been sacked from every previous job he’d had. I know, it sounds completely daft.
– that manager is Alain Depardew, bon viveur and lover of fine French cuisine, wine, movies and all things Gallic – but most especially the French footballer. He doesn’t know any of the language so pre-match talks aren’t very inspirational but he just loves them anyway and would stuff his team with les bleus if he could.
– the problem is that the players don’t really want to be in Geordieland and they keep on playing badly hoping that the club will sell them for huge fees to other clubs especially ones run by crazy American despots like at Baconandliverpool FC. It happened to the last local lad to play for the club, fans’ favourite Randy Carroll who thought all his Xmases had come at once when he was sold for £35m having played only three 90 minute matches for the club. That 5% share of the transfer fee was very nice but Randy blew it down the Quayside before leaving for the north-west. Those Geordie shore lassies are always willing to help footballers with a blow in bar 38
– now My Cashley wants to get rid of Alain but can’t because that contract means it’ll cost My £20m to sack him. So the owner decides on a dramatic course of action; to bring back the maverick cockerny Irishman Joke Inear as Director of Footinmouth. Now Joke lives up to his name and proves to be a bit of a loose cannon fabricating all sorts of facts about his career and capabilities and upsetting the touchy foreign players by getting their names ever so slightly wrong. Half the players threaten never to play for the club again thereby joining the six players in the team with strong religious convictions who feel unhappy at the prospect of being asked to wear a shirt branded with new kit sponsor Longa Dongas. ‘I’d just look like a big prick wearing that’ said team captain Fettucini Carbonara
– upset by the appointment of Joke Inear Managing Director Derek I’mbiased decides to hand in his resignation saying ‘I don’t think I’m prejudiced but the Joke’s just not that funny’. As far as My Cashley’s concerned that’s one down one to go.
– now Derek was the one who master-minded the changing of the name of the stadium from it’s universally-recognised and much-loved title Saint Jay M Zizz to the rather snappy ‘Heyloserseemail@example.com Arena’. Just about the only person who thought it was a good idea was Derek himself. ‘Of course I like it and I don’t give a frig about what the fans or those muppets on MoTD think’ Derek announced, ‘but then again I’mbiased’
– and speaking of muppets, watching from the wings is local hero and former striker-cum-singer Moira Shearer who because of constant sniping at the way the club is being run has her name removed from the official history of the European Song Contest. Joke also wades him and says that Shearer was a useless actress and singer anyway and won’t be missed at the club’s open-mike nights.
So there it is. The best new comedy to hit the airwaves since little KK squared up to Dennis the Menace in the battle of the little big egos, better known as ‘Wae’aye wee men’.
With apologies to my good friends Lawrie and Mark who are long-suffering Toon fans