Well normal service has been resumed dear readers. I was chatting to my brother about the fact that we’d both had cause to watch rather a lot of daytime tv recently (I’m still doing!) and he suggested it would make a good topic for a posting. I considered doing a critical look at the grim state of one or two of the daytime programmes but decided against it on the grounds that there’s just too much choice. So instead I’ve decided to do something completely different – a pp phrase book of some new words coined by the popularity of afternoon telly and a few of its more well-known presenters. Please feel free to add to the list.
Andmel – working title for new magazine style chat/cooking show. Just prefix with name of has-been male presenter/cheeky chef to partner the ditzy but still lovely Ms Sykes.
Antiquamposity – not really-so-surprising preponderance of, if not gay, then seriously camp dealers on Bargain Hunt and the Antiques Road Trip (see Wonnacottitis).
Contranomic – the basic business flaw in the Bargain Hunt concept; contestants aim to make a profit by buying goods at fairs from Dealers at retail prices then selling them at auctions to Dealers at trade values. Nobody seems to notice or care however.
Coppertone – description of the colour, patina or tarnish formed on highly varnished old leathery goods like suitcases, old chairs , antique books and David Dickenson’s skin.
Denisefess – to discuss openly one’s addictions, domestic difficulties, personal issues and numerous infidelities without a hint of embarrassment whilst chatting to the other loose women (see Sheriementia)
Doctorsisation – creeping condition which describes a day time programme which suffers from increasingly ridiculous plot lines, unattractive characters and zero audience.
Edmonds’ syndrome – a strange condition affecting little bearded quiz show presenters which sees them regularly swap their 70’s gear to dress up in sad character costumes with excessive amounts of make-up and clearly enjoy it.
Formatasimile – the way in which all quiz shows follow exactly the same production techniques pioneered by Who Wants to be a MIllionaire with banks of directional red and blue spotlights, multiple choice questions picked out in green/red highlights for correct/wrong answers, snappy musical sequences and, increasingly, audiences replaced by laughter and applause tracks. So derivative.
Frumpious – the typical dress-sense of weather presenters employed by both the BBC and ITV
Garroway! – expression of surprise; uttered whenever a certain female presenter escapes the latest culling on Daybreak despite being seriously annoying. Past squeezes with key members of the editorial team are not said to be influential in her continued employment. Right.
Hollylicious – a word to describe a very attractive tv presenter
Holmesian – a word to describe a very chubby tv presenter
Katonaexia – the tendency for c-list celebs to suffer from conditions like OCD, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, yo-yoing weight etc. Named after one K Katona who appears to suffer from all of these.
Kerryesque – double meaning a) talentless and b) annoying
Lucyous – a measure of the attractiveness of weather presenters employed by ITN News
Martin up – verb to describe how the female estate agents on Homes under the Hammer get dolled up in their best clubbing gear for their valuation assessment on the featured properties and, possibly, also to meet the charming male presenter. This compares with the majority of their male counterparts who appear to scour charity shops for wide polyester ties from the 70’s to wear on their televised valuations. The act of doing this is known in the estate agency trade as ‘NevergetLucy’.
Memyselfandiosis – a self-absorbed condition afflicting one Loose Women anchor presenter and ex-weather girl who is only able to talk about herself and her own life experiences. It’s rapidly becoming shorthand for a desperately dull conversationalist.
Midgetosity – the inexplicably high number of male soap stars appearing on daytime chat shows who are less than 5’4” tall
Monkeyboy – derogative term for that little annoying bloke who was on Fake Britain and now presents Saints and Scroungers
Mysteryophrenia – a state of utter amazement caused when trying to comprehend something inexplicable eg the apparent sex appeal of soap blokes with midgetosity or how someone as useless as a an ex atomic kitten can continue to earn a living on daytime tv (see Kerryesque).
Neighbours – ironic expression. It conveys a sense of relief that washes over the viewer when he/she thanks the Good Lord that Jeremy Kyle’s studio guests don’t live next door.
Quelle revelation! – adopted French expression which suggests great shock but because it is laced with heavy sarcasm, means the exact opposite. Often used when announcing yet another relationship breakdown, marriage failure or declared bankruptcy particularly following weeks of bravura denials on Lorraine and This Morning. Google search Denise van Outen, Kym Marsh and Kerry Katona.
Quizabundant – when schedules are crammed with dozens of cheap-to-produce quiz shows all following a similar pattern (see Formatasimile)
Ripoff-point – legal term meaning the moment a penny arcade machine from Blackpool Central Pier was ‘liberated’ and turned it into a tv quiz show format
Ruthrow – to bicker like an old married couple, on daytime tv
Sheriementia – a state of complete f*ckwitlessness
Skofe – verb; to present most of ITV’s hit programmes
Tothertwo – collective noun for a couple of Geordie lads who present the rest of them.
Upgradersleb – ITV’s practice of inviting c-lister celebrities to play the more popular game shows and re-schedule them in prime time. All in the cause of charidee of course.
Very loose women – generic term to describe all the female characters aged 16+ on Home and Away except, for some inexplicable reason, ditzy Marilyn especially as she looks like she ought to be.
Wudyerterkfort–teh – a speech impediment suffered by that Yorkshire antiques trader on Dickenson’s Real Deal and its spin off Secret Dealers. It becomes noticeable when he attempts to lure owners to part with their Clarice Cliff teapots for £40.
Wonnacottitis – unfortunate affliction for presenters of Bargain Hunt which results from an irrational desire to colour co-ordinate trousers, waistcoat, bow-tie and reading glasses in a singe lurid pastel shade.
I’m sure you can think of plenty more!