The things people say



This isn’t a posting about football as such but I was amused to read some words this weekend from a Premiership manager who showed once again the ex-footballer truism; that his brains and modesty are distant cousins from his mouth. The manager is Alan Pardew who, in case you don’t know, was recently banned from all stadia for 3 matches for head-butting a player during a Premiership match. It sounds incredibly hot-headed and thuggish but it’s true. Then again he is employed by Newcastle United, a club which seems to have learned all about sound governance from Led Zeppelin’s management team in the 70’s, which pays Mr Pardew just the £1.5M per year to set a fine example to its playing staff and recently rewarded Alan with an 8 year virtually unbreakable contract. Anyway the manager was back in the dressing room for this week-end’s match against Southampton after seeing his side lose two games in his absence, although he will not actually be allowed on the touchline for another 4 games. At the pre-match briefings he told the listening journos that ‘It’s good to be back. You have that relationship with players. Put on top my personality, which we all know is a bit of a winning mentality (it’s true I swear) and I want to make sure we win’. Well no doubt inspired by the return of their smart silver-haired manager and his profound words, the Newcastle team ran out and received a proper gubbing, losing 4-0 and it could easily have been double that. Ahh Alan,  you’re the Sultan of Self-Centredness and you just can’t stop yourself from saying things that give me real pleasure. It’s that winnning personality eh.

Then yesterday I watched the news and there was an interesting feature about Mark Menzies the Conservative MP for Fylde, my old constituency home near Blackpool. He woke up on Sunday morning to be faced with a series of lurid allegations in a national newspaper over his relationship with a Brazilian male escort with whom, it is claimed, he’d paid to have sex and requested various drugs.  Now once upon a time old Mark’s reputation as an upstanding politician would have been damaged beyond repair by such headlines. But these days…it’s relatively mild compared to the gross moral turpitude that the Lib Dems get up to. He’s done the decent thing of course by resigning his role as a ministerial aide but he’s damned if he’s going to give up on to his job as an MP, with its £100,000 pa salary and expenses. Nothing surprises me in this cynical world but I did smile a little when I noted that he didn’t deny the allegations; he simply acknowledged that some of them were not true. Just not the ones about the Brazilian rent boy and the drugs eh Mark! I can’t look at his publicity photo without wondering if there wasn’t a bit of samba action going on down below when it was taken…

mark menz

Now to my favourite bit of really crap tv advertising at the moment; it’s the latest ad from Amazon about their Kindle Fire HDX.  Now I’ve struggled to find it on Youtube to show you but there’s a link below to the Tellyads site and you can view it there. The key feature of the new tablet is its mayday button you can press to get through live to a very friendly helper who’ll answer any questions about the new bit of kit. You can imagine some of the questions she must get asked, like where can I find a Brazilian cakeboy in Blackpool on a Saturday night or please, please canny lass do yer knaa the Paris telephone number for Yohan Cabaye? Anyway the dufus in the ad asks some dopey question about how to restrict the amount of time his visiting niece will spend playing on the Kindle. Take it off her peabrain. But that’s not the point; it’s his opening ‘Hello’ which he pronounces ‘Hullooo’ like a village idiot. I can’t stop emulating him now and I’m getting lots of sympathetic looks. Follow this link and I swear you’ll be ‘hullooing’ too soon…

Finally to a bit of news which keeps on giving; the trial of Max Clifford. Now I’m not trying to make light of the serious offences he’s been charged with – 11 indecent assault charges from 7 alleged victims not including the accusations of exposing himself in his office to various young women aspiring to become actresses.  Disgusting. Clifford denies all the charges of course but his court case keeps delivering the most salacious statements about and from Clifford which are just so amusing. For example in the last week we’ve learned that he has a tiny little willy which he seemed to enjoy whipping out to show female visitors to his office  and which he couldn’t help tugging on whenever his wife telephoned the office. Such a nice image. He was also it seems the ‘ringmaster’ at Diana Dors’ sex parties which were so depraved that it psychologically scarred her witnessing son for life. It seems that many of the showbiz celebrities who attended the events were real perverts, according to old Max. How funny eh, Max had a hand it seems in inviting them along then they were allowed to indulge their perversions and subsequently looked to the ringmaster in his new role as a PR Guru to keep their dirty little secrets out of the media. Neat trick.  Max of course denies being a pervert himself  – he’s just a wholesome guy who loves women and has a totally loving relationship with his wife (and a string of long-standing mistresses he admitted). She must be so proud of him and all these revelations including the one yesterday where he persuaded a lady traffic warden to visit his office and talked her into letting him take topless photos of her. He described it as an easy game, promising parts on tv, that he had played several times. There’s nothing pervy about that obviously.  I also liked the bit when pressed by the prosecution counsel about his penchant for walking naked into his office whilst women were present he responded ‘I can’t remember ever going naked out in my office ever‘. Before adding ‘There might have been one or two occasions where I had no clothes on ‘. Well there’s clearly a big difference in Max’s little mind between being naked and having no clothes on. We must be stupid not to grasp it too. I’ve promised some friends that if Clifford is found innocent of all these charges I’ll turn to the Book of Mormon and join the Church of JC and the Latter Day Saints.  But for now it’s MC’s Book of Revelations. Excuse me, is that you dear….?






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