If you’re going to marry someone…..

Back in the Middle Ages, and long before the officers on Operation Yewtree knocked on the door, I can remember Jimmy Tarbuck cracking a line about how amusing it would have been if the actress Kitty Fisher had got married to the C&W singer Conway Twitty as she’d have to endure a married life being called Kitty Twitty.  Oh how we laughed.

Anyway for some odd reason I recalled that joke (er…) earlier today and felt like with a bit of effort I could probably top Tarby and come up with a few suggestions for celebrity married names that might actually raise a smile. So here goes….

If lovely Emilia Fox had married James Hunt she’d be Emilia Fox Hunt

If Yoko Ono had married Sonny Bono rather than John, she’d be Yoko Ono Bono

Well what if Dolly Parton had married Graham Dilley, divorced him and married Salvador Dali instead, she’d be Dolly Dilley Dali. That must have made you snigger a little.

If Ella Fitzgerald had married Darth Vader, she’d be known as Ella Vader and her career would definitely have been on the up.

Sad news today that Katie Price’s latest marriage is over. Shame but as Tim Lovejoy prophesised ‘It’ll Never Last’. I can envisage her going on to marry footballer Lee Camp, who leaves her for JodieMarsh and so she gets married to Dhani son of the Beatle George. Unhappy she leaves him and returns to a wag lifestyle by marrying referee Howard Webb only to fall out with him and finally settle down with German handball world champion Christian Zeitz thus presenting herself to the world as Katie Price Camp Harrison Webb Zeitz. Oh come on I had to work hard to deliver that one.

If Oprah Winfrey marries Michael Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra and he could pay off his gambling debts.

If Cat Deeley marries Jimmy Choo, divorces him and marries Snoop Doggy Dogg, she’d be Cat Choo Dogg. Alternatively Old Snoop who is a bit weird might be seduced into a rather unusual marriage to Winnie the Pooh in which case he’d be known as Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh. Smirk.

If Olivia Newton-John had married Isaac Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John (unlikely I know) she’d be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke hadn’t met Clint  and instead married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster. Och aye.

If the Golden Girls’ Bea Arthur had married that guy from the Police, she’d have to put up with the waspish name of Bea Sting.

If Whoopie Goldberg married Peter Cushing, she’d be Whoopie Cushing. Sigh, I know a little obvious. So what if Jeremy Clarkson’s wife divorces him and as his latent gay tendencies surface he elects to run off with  the President of Syria. After quickly realising he’s too much of an evil bugger Jezzer leaves him and runs into the arms of that fellow Tory naughty boy, the New Statesman thus giving us the charming Jeremy Clarkson – Assad B’stard.

From the gay marriage scene if Max Boyce married Kelsey Grammer, divorced him and married chiropodist William Scholl he’d be Max Boyce Grammer Scholl. I know it’s not comedy gold but it’s better than Kitty Twitty.

And finally if the lovely but slightly self-absorbed and still single Kylie Minogue ties the knot with referee Alan Wiley, divorces him and gets remarried to MI6’s George Smiley she’d be known as Kylie Wiley Smiley but would she still look good in those gold hot pants? I dunno but here’s a link, Alan and George, to show you what the Mrs would have in store for you…

Please feel free to suggest some better ones folks.


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