It’s not Godfather II is it?

Well I’ve been browsing through a feature on new film releases as it has been ages since we’ve been to see a great movie at the cinema. And I think it might be some time before we do so again. Bloody hell have you seen what’s on or coming up? Sigh…

First up Mrs Brown’s Boys D’Movie wherein, according to the blurb, ‘Mrs Brown, the much-loved market trader, makes her silver screen debut in this laugh-out-loud cinematic adaption of the multi-award winning TV comedy series’. Well I guess it depends on your comic tastes but as the promo poster features Mrs Brown holding up two melons in front of her chest, I’ve just got a hunch that the humour may be more Benny Hill than Annie Hall. Call me a comedy snob but I’ll get my laughs elsewhere.

And I don’t think it’ll be from Walking on Sunshine, the kindest review for which calls it Mamma Mia! Lite. OMG it’s not as good as the Abba hit film starring a singing Pierce Brosnan? I endured that just once and it was as much fun as anal warts.

Speaking of the ex-Bond actor, he’s currently showing alongside Emma Thompson (who I’ve always found a bit too actory) in The Love Punch. Apparently the quite plausible plot has ‘Richard (Brosnan) and his ex-wife Kate (Thompson) waving goodbye to their golden years after a fraudulent businessman steals their pension fund. Will they be able to retrieve their life savings?’ Do I really really give a frig? No.

Finally I could always call the Odeon booking line and book two tickets for C & I to go and see Pudsey, the Movie when it opens in a week’s time. That’s a film featuring the dog that won Britain’s Got Talent dancing around a bit. Groan. Here’s the storyline because I bet you can’t wait either …’it’s the tale of a lovable lone hound, Pudsey (voiced by David Walliams) who only needs to look after himself as he wanders the London streets… until he meets siblings Molly, George and Tommy and quickly becomes one of the family! Following her divorce, their mother Gail (Jessica Hynes) moves the family to the quiet and sleepy village of Chuffington-on-Sea, where Pudsey discovers that there’s an evil plot afoot. Can Pudsey foil the evil plans and save the village? The answer is of course he does but then a Tesco home delivery van runs the mutt over right outside a primary school at home time because the driver was off his head on crack, brought on by him catching an STI from the hot headmistress who’s in a lesbian relationship with Pudsey’s female owner and dance partner. I made that last bit up of course but it would make for a more poignant ending.

Alright I know it’s the kids’ holidays coming up, but Chuffington-on-sea? Not even Disney would call the place that (actually they might). What’s frightening, is that I also know of one or two grown-ups who’ll be relishing this film opening (not many of them are men).

Whatever happened to proper film-making before all this lowest common denominator/CGI and SFX/American schoolboy humour crap? If our sitcom stuff gets anywhere I’m seriously thinking that our next project should be a classic British film with no dogs, no stereotypes, no singing, no dancing, no Emma Thompson. Working title ‘The Hardest Thing in Blackpool is the Rock’. You heard it here first.

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