Quite a few people have jumped to the head of my NVL list this last week and to the tune Twelve Days of Xmas, they comprise 3 Tory grandees; 2 pompous wankers and a mad old bird in the jungle trees.
First up, David Mellor the former Tory Cabinet Minister who had an altercation this week with a London cabbie who had the foresight to record their conversation. Old Mellors and his partner Lady Penelope (it’s true) were picked up after celebrating Lady P receiving a CBE from Prince Charles. As you do. Well several drinks may have been taken because Mellor’s condition was described as ‘dishevelled’. Ahh.
It seems the argument was over the correct (ie shortest) route home – it seems the former MP thought the cabbie may have been trying to take advantage of his occupants’ slight squiffiness and called him a ‘sweaty, stupid little shit’. Now I’ve no bones with anyone challenging a cabbie’s route mastery. Once, many years ago, we arrived back at Victoria Coach Station with a young baby after a long and tiring journey from up north and were told by the helpful cabbie, no doubt encouraged by our ‘innocent’ northern accents, that the quickest route to our destination (or home as we called it) in Wood Green (which is so far north it is bounded by the North Circular Road) lay across the river and via Vauxhall. Yeh and then perhaps around Wimbledon Common.
I wasn’t happy with the lying little shit either and told him the direction I thought he should take having lived in London for several years. But such an approach wasn’t good enough for the the Cambridge-educated ex-MP for Putney who not only told the cabbie to ‘get an education’ but reeled off a list of his considerable achievements saying, ‘I’ve been in the Cabinet, I’m an award-winning broadcaster. I’m a Queen’s Counsel’. Yeh and you missed off obnoxious piss-head, elitist prick, oh and with the looks to rival that other sweaty self-abuser, John McCririck. Pots and kettles old fruit…
Next up the ruling by the judge in the Plebgate affair who decided that on the balance of probabilities the former chief Whip, Andrew Mitchell, had used the word ‘pleb’ when PC Rowland refused to quickly open the gates of Downing Street to let him through on his bike. The judge decided that the copper had neither the wit nor imagination to come up with a word like pleb whereas public school-educated Mitchell certainly did. So he’d lied all along and now faces a bill for costs and damages estimated at £1.5m. Well there you go. Tough shit Sherlock…
I wouldn’t feel too sorry for him, reports in the press today say he earns up to £6k a day as a consultant (on how to be a first class tw*t?) and if that earning power doesn’t get his bills paid he can always sell off one of his four homes. Yes just the four. And he’s probably claiming expenses on each of them.
I’ve no sympathy for the police in this matter either; if it’s not bad enough to be labelled a village idiot, several of Rowland’s fellow officers, not present at the time, were found to have embellished evidence to make the case against Mitchell seem worse and four of them have now been sacked and one other jailed. Quite right too. What a pitiful state of affairs eh. Both cases are similar; unacceptable behaviour all round and class-ridden attitudes. I’m not making a political point here but I do find it hard to find the Tory party and its key representatives likeable when they do stuff like this.
And that leads me on to the third candidate. I’ve been watching I’m a Celeb and it’s getting to the point where many of the contestants are driving me nuts. That Gemma Collins left after 5 minutes saying that she’d been put off performing on TV for ever, only to re-sign for TOWIE within 5 days. The feckless f*ckwit. The American girl, Kendra, who’s lived her life through reality tv is so whiney and self-absorbed that I hope she gets bitten by something nasty before she gets booted out. Sorry but she’s just so bloody needy. That Jake bloke’s an idiot and Jimmy the ex-footballer is fun for 5 minutes then his shouty bubbly personality just grates intensely. He’s like Paul Gascoigne’s madcap younger brother. Just not as self-controlled. Why someone doesn’t tell him to shut the f(*k up I’ll never know. I’m sure he’s got some behavioural issues.
But all of the participants pale beside the programme’s unlikeable behemoth, Edwina Currie. How did she ever get to be voted for as an MP then rise to the ranks of a Cabinet Minister whilst having a sordid affair with the PM? She’s loud, argumentative, divisive, overly-opinionated, self-regarding, friendless, and plainly moon-howlingly mad. And she’s left a sick husband at home, I understand, to have her rumble in the jungle. And she appears happy in the company of snakes. What am I talking about? She’s perfect Tory ministerial material…