No 5

Oh it’s Xmas time and you can tell because the pretentious perfume ads are on every ad break and they’re driving me nuts. There’s a real lulu from Dolce & Gabbana directed by Martin Scorcese – Martin frigging Scorcese !! – featuring Scarlett Johansson who has the allure to really move me but all she does in this bit of expensive nonsense is move my stomach. It and she are truly dreadful.

But my award this year for the olfactory bag of broken spanners goes to Chanel No 5 for their ad featuring Gisele Bundchen on the grounds, I guess, that employing the most beautiful model in the world will turn even the most overblown ad into a work of art. Wrong. Here’s the plot – miserable-looking  bloke stares out of a window of a wonderful Malibu beach house whilst some equally sad-sounding sod sings the words of one of the most joyous of songs, ‘You’re The One That I Want’ as a sad lament…

….you better understand
To my heart I must be true
Nothing left, nothing left for me to do….

You see he’s looking on as his woman, Gisele, is off in the ocean surfing. She’s always frigging surfing. And he’s left at home looking after her brat of a kid who she had after some sordid fling with a celebrity photographer. If that’s not bad enough but as soon as she’s stripped off her gear to reveal her incredible figure, she’s off modelling. Where does he fit in eh? He’s very low down on her list of priorities. So, touched by the poignant words of the highly emotional song from the classic voices of Olivia Newtown-John and John Travolta, he leaves her a slightly cryptic note basically saying he’s frigging had enough of being treated like a plaything and is off to watch his special friend the soulful male singer doing his cabaret stuff. He at least knows how to treat a man in a cool sky blue suit. Bitch.

Gisele is distraught. What’s happened to her incredible lover, thingy…. She spots the letter and figures out from his subtle clues that he’s about to go and get jiggy with singer Ziggy. So off she drives in her open top sports car and before you can say ‘Coco would be turning in her grave’ she’s crossing the bridge into Manhattan and turns up at the theatre just in time to prevent thingy from gettin’ it on with Ziggy the biggy. She thrusts her tongue down thingy’s throat and they live happily ever after…well until next Xmas.

I nearly cried when I watched the ad. But I went and read some electricity bills and managed to recover. If you want to dig deep within and find yourself emoted enough to want to go and buy some Chanel No5 you’ll enjoy this…

pp