Ah remember when life was full of hope and expectation? Apparently smiley Ed was writing his thank-you-for-the-keys-to-No-10 speech when those amazing BBC exit poll figures came out on election night forecasting a strong win for the Conservatives. It seems incredible now but all the smart money was on Miliband being invited by HRH to head up a coalition Government with the SNP. I’d love to know what happened to that draft.
What an election night that was eh! And I’m not just having a pop at the hopeless Labour showing on the night though that was a big and largely unforeseen story (mind you I did think Miliband was the by a country mile the least attractive leader of the Party since Michael Foot). No that was a just one of any number of incredible outcomes from the election. The sheer scale of the Tory victory wasn’t forecast by anybody. Even Cameron himself had resorted to acting as ‘pumped-up David’ in the last desperate week of campaigning to try and show that he was passionate and manly and votable, so even he didn’t believe it clearly.
But bigger news still was the performance of the SNP who took virtually every seat in Scotland wiping out some real big political beasts in the process like Dany Alexander and Charles Kennedy. You’ve got to hand it to the admirable Nicola Sturgeon who might look like a sexy version of Jimmy Krankie but proved she is one smart oatmeal cookie. Pehaps even more startling though was the achievement of UKIP in gaining almost 4 million votes, more than the Lib Dems and SNP combined, placing them 3rd in the popularity stakes but which only secured them one seat, and it wasn’t for Nigel Farange. Ha ha. It couldn’t happen to a nicer group of bigots.
But surely the biggest shock was the absolute tonking given to the Liberal Democrats. Starting the night with almost 50 MP’s, they ended up with just 8. Gay old Jeremy Thorpe could muster more than that, mind you he could muster more rent boys than that in an evening too. And did you see the look on old Vince Cable’s face when the returning officer for Twickenham announced he’d lost out to, Tania Matthias, his Conservative opponent who was incredibly gracious towards him in her victory speech I thought. Which is more than I’m going to be because he was our local MP and in all the time I have lived here (and my nearest ATM is right across form his constituency office) I’ve never seen him actually in the area. He’s been completely bloody invisible and it’s not like we are 100’s of miles from Westminster is it? However I have been receiving sacks full of leaflets and letters from him telling me what a fantastic job he’s been doing marshalling all those very bad Tories and greedy bankers into acting with a sense of corporate decency in his coalition government role as Business Secretary. Well I guess nobody bought it Vince and your Party’s desperate play for power in an unnatural alliance with the Tories has cost the Lib Dems all their credibility clearly. I mean let’s face it the Lib Dems are the Party that entertains and appals us with their conspiracies to murder, gay orgy shenanigans, leadership affairs and drunkenness, sex case scandals, points on the driving license fiascos and the like. They make the Monster Raving Loony party look like St Paul’s choristers.
Some other farewells on the night…. Ed Balls, hilarious, George Galloway, funny, Simon Hughes and David Laws, bit sad and Esther McVey, very sad as she’s rather hot and will no doubt be wasting away on Loose Women next week.
I guess with all that it came as no surprise to learn the next morning that one leader’s head had rolled. But three stiff upper-lipped resignations inside an hour was just a gloriously bloody way to conclude the proceedings. Political carnage. But you know what this means don’t you? Years and years of unrestrained Tory rule. Oh gawd. Come back Vince, all is forgiven.