Well I figured it would only be fair to tell you about Bitches-on-the-Sofa, the sister village to Buttcrack Fullerfurze, which is home to all the annoying women I see in public life. It’s a strange little place, attractive in parts but you sense there’s been lots of cosmetic work done in a vain attempt to keep all the front facades looking fresh. It’s not a large place with just 3 main roads – Catty Lane, Dopey Drive and Needy Street.
Welcome to some of the residents; Kate Garroway with all that faux friendliness, Amanda Holden who lives at No 1 the Drive and who even the mildest little lamb Philip Schofield regarded as a nightmare to work with, Katie Hopkins with her repellant views, the old bird married to Eamonn Holmes who was the first person to move into the Street, the American tennis player Serena Williams who talks like a little girl and seems to have an IQ to match, Cheryl Fernando-Dando or whatever her name is these days whose ‘star’ mask slips sometimes to let that nasty bigoted Geordie lass glimmer through, her snottiness Princess Anne, most of the cast of TOWIE but especially her neediness Gemma Collins, the talentless pork sausage Kerry Katona, all the Kardashian klan, Barbara Windsor and her inane cackle, and finally the woman who’s bought 4 properties on Dopey Drive but can’t remember any of the house numbers, Sherie Hewson…
This is her tearfully announcing her recent second facelift; she did it ‘for herself’ apparently. So not for the local butcher then nor the UPS delivery guy. Just for her. Say goodnight Gracie.