Not my best friend


Well if the camp Strictly posting caused a bit of a fuss, I suspect this one is going to land me in deep doo doo too….

But first up I wanted to tell you about a recent trip back to Blackpool. We were headed up the M6, in the 3rd lane of a 4 lane section, when we noticed the traffic slowing rapidly ahead of us. It suddenly became apparent what the problem was; a family of geese – two adults with around half a dozen goslings – were slowly walking towards the centre of the motorway. Obviously they were disoriented and everybody had pulled up to allow them to reach safety again. Except one driver who I could see in my wing mirror barrelling up the outside lane like a  frigging lunatic. He must have seen the stationary traffic lined up in the first 3 lanes and the family of geese now slowly crossing the 4th lane but he careered on irregardless and right in front of us, ploughed right through the poor creatures without even slowing. You can imagine the devastation. I found it quite distressing and if I could have caught the thoughtless bastard I would have punched his lights out. I’m not an animal lover per se but I abhor cruelty to any creatures, particularly defenceless ones, and this sort of disregard for wildlife is barbaric.

So I hope I’ve portrayed myself accurately as someone who absolutely respects animal life but I’m not a pet lover. Carol’s the same. I like creatures but prefer them in the wild not in my home (nor in a zoo for that matter). I don’t mind animals being farmed if it’s done humanely. This probably all sounds contradictory but we’ve always felt this way. And we don’t have any issues with people who own pets. Indeed we have many family members and great friends who own and love their pets. We absolutely respect that and we are fond of many of them (including the animals of course, ha!).

I don’t really understand any reason to own small non-communicative creatures like mice and the like. Fish are the same. Exotic pets shouldn’t be allowed in any domestic environment IMHO. Owning bigger more intelligent animals like horses always seem so exploitative to me – the pleasure is all with the the humans isn’t it? Cats and dogs are OK and I kind of get why people own them. But I always approach these things logically and if I did pros and cons list for having a pet dog it would look like this…


A dog, if looked after respectfully, will show you lots of affection and they can be good company especially for people who may be alone.

Guide dogs are wonderful.

Exercising them is a good excuse to exercise yourself.  That’s where I run out of positives.


They slobber and drool – as the fellah above is demonstrating. Can anybody honestly say this is attractive in any way?

Dogs, especially the bigger ones,  are expensive to feed.

They need exercising – even when it’s raining and you don’t fancy it.

They get some horrific sounding illnesses and diseases – have you seen that tv commercial for lungworm that dogs can get from eating slugs and snails. I’m retching thinking about it.

Get ill and vets’ bills can be enormous. Have you seen the prices that Irish TV vet charges for giving aged dogs prosthetic limbs?  It runs into £000’s. I mean come on.

They shit lots and their faeces can cause serious problems to humans. People who allow their dogs to foul public spaces should be jailed.

People who do pick up their dogs’ poo are to be commended but I can’t even watch folk doing it, let alone consider having to do it myself. I’m retching again.

They bark and yap annoyingly.

They can cost a fortune to purchase.

Some dogs are really dangerous and can and have killed people and just shouldn’t be licensed for domestic ownership.

Hairy Alsations look like wolves and are just scary.

They can run around chasing things madly.

Kids get fed up with them very quickly and you get stuck with the chores.

They carry and transmit deadly rabies.

Tiny little dogs just look ridiculous and no grown man should be seen walking one down the street with one (as we witnessed in NYC recently).  Not manly.

Dogs’ breath stinks.

People (women especially) kiss dogs. I’m retching again.

They bite.

They wreck furniture.

They stink when wet.

Clothes for dogs. It’s just weird. They have fur you know.

Dogs shed hair covering carpets and furniture which gets attracted to my clothing.

You have to arrange for their anal glands to be squeezed. Retching again.

They leave puke piles through the house. Retching.

Their indiscriminate pissing destroys lawns and kills plants.

They sniff around your genital area.

Watching them humping doggy-fashion is just embarrassing.

Ditto leg-humping.

One of them scared my daughter Rebecca when she was young and she’s developed a phobia about them.

Poodles look ridiculous when crimped.

Breeders are doing weird things to create fashionable ‘looks’. That’s horrendous.

Watching heavily overweight ladies prance around the parade ring at Crufts is embarrassing.

Hairless dogs look like aliens and grown men shouldn’t walk them down the street (especially in NYC). Not manly.

Women who carry tiny yappy dogs in their bags are probably looking to marry a footballer and not have children. Or are divorced and now looking to marry a plastic surgeon.

Dogs can be baby substitutes.

What do you do with them when you want to go away?

I think some people prefer dogs to humans.

Dogs’ farts stink.

People sleep with their dogs. Retching.

Dogs’ names can be ridiculous although we are very fond of some – HK and B especially.

Producing overweight dogs, usually as a result of inappproriate feeding and lack of exercise, is just cruel.

Dogs need properly looking after and I’m full of respect for people who do that.


There you go, a very reasonable balance sheet I feel, ha!  I’m sure many will absolutely disagree and have steam coming out of their ears but I’d say ‘down boy/girl’. I’m not anti-dog – some I’m very taken with. I’m just not so in love with them that I’d want one as a member of the family. I bet some people feel like that about me. Happy to listen to your comments folks though you’re going to have to come up with around 40 positives to get me to change my mind (and I know you can’t). This could be interesting……







This entry was posted in ASSORTED RANTS/LIKES and tagged , , , , by Paul. Bookmark the permalink.

About Paul

Having decided on a change of life by moving home from the UK to Italy, this is the story and thoughts of a man on a personal journey from the Blackpool Tower to the Leaning Tower of Pisa, in search of la dolce vita. After several olive harvests he's now back in London but en route he shares his very personal perspectives on life.

6 thoughts on “Not my best friend

  1. Hmm, a lot to be said for a bitch around your genitals!

    Congratulations on coming up with such an extensive list. I’m in Tenerife at the moment and it p****s me off how owners resolutely refuse to pick up the dog dirt. It’s not a pleasant task, but if you’re going to have a dog …. If the council employed dog wardens and fined owners they would soon fill their coffers. Of course here they can’t just have one dog, got to be two or three.

    My parents used to breed, exhibit and show dogs. Those that weren’t good enough for the show ring would be sold and as my dad used to say: “Poundnotes don’t catch distemper”.

    A friend just lost his cat – the vet’s bill? £14,000. FOURTEEN THOUSAND POUNDS!!!

  2. Well, where do I start? Just transpose the word dog for child in both your lists of pros and cons, and I think I win the point. Dogs give far more than they take. And never let you down. I am somewhat bias having has 7 labs and counting, and there are very few humans I would swap them for.

    • Ah Andy, I had a lunch you’d be on the rampage soon given all the lovely pics of your dogs on FB. I only do this to provoke a reaction you know. Hope you’re well mate. Your new life seems seems v idyllic. Take care mate
      ps not sure you have to squeeze the anal glands on children – unless you’re a 1970’s BBC presenter/dj (poor humour).

      • Ha ha Ha, I know you’re just prodding for reaction. Just saying, I’ve never met a dog I wanted to punch in the face but the longer I live the more people fall into that catigory..
        Life is good thanks, cliche but I’ve no idea how I had time to go to work. I’ve lost a stone in weight without trying and a Mediterranean tan without leaving the garden.

      • Hi mate, this retirement lark is Ok isn’t it? Next time you’re visiting the Silverstone area (yes we made it back here) give me a shout and we’ll share a glass of something of cool and crisp.

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