Guess who’s not coming to dinner?

Well it’s been an interesting week on the political front. That damned decision to have a referendum on the EU has cost us yet another Prime Minister and now we face the very realistic prospect that our next head of Government could be one of Boris Johnson, Michael Gove or Jeremy Hunt. It’s not much of a choice is it, choosing between a conceited buffoon with a laughable hairstyle, a double-dealing snake with the brain of a dipstick or an under-delivering smug little shit? What a bloody fiasco. The only saving grace is that if we lived in America our leader would possess all of these traits – and more. Yes this posting’s really about the Donald, his ridiculous plans and actions, that hair and his unlikeability.  And he’s heading to the UK on his first state visit very soon. Oh lawd.

Let’s start with Donald’s wall. Do you remember those claims when he was on the Presidential campaign that he would build a wall across the US-Mexican border, costing some $8-12bn to keep out the immigrants? He also boldly declared that the Mexican government would pay for it, an idea that prompted the Mexican president to go on national television and tell Trump to ‘Jodete’ or go fu*k yourself you orange knobhead (I might have added a little there).

Unperturbed Trump trundled up to Congress to ask them for the money – they weren’t particularly keen but did pledge him $1.5bn last year to get on with the project. Not an insignificant amount you’d think. And guess how much of the wall they’ve built so far? Precisely 1.7 miles. The country with the most impressive construction technology in the world has managed to build less than 2 miles of fencing in 12 months and spent $1.5bn in the process. My aunty Betty could have done a better job…

Now guess how long the US-Mexcian border is? Just shy of 2000 miles. I know there are two big rivers, the Colorado and the Rio Grande, which act as the border line for many of those miles but there’s no point in just building a wall along the non-river bits because those pesky immigrants will just enter the USA by paddling little rowing boats across the easy-to-cross river sections. So you’ve got to assume the border wall is intended to go right across the country to be effective. And at the current spend rate a finished wall should cost a minimum of just $1,750 billion. With a little bit of inflation that’ll be around $2 trillion or 3 times the US’ annual defence spend. Wow that’s even more than the budget forecast for HS2. You’ve got to say that Trump’s forecasting and mathematical skills are about as impressive as his hair styling…


Well he may not be a Stephen Hawkin but he is the President and he’s UK-bound. Poor old Theresa May has agreed to stay on long enough to host him (that should be a fun meeting) but it seems that people are queuing up not to meet him. It is a full state visit but the Queen has only agreed to meet him for a quick lunch. Prince Charles has been leant on to fill the Royal void but he’s only agreed to invite him for afternoon tea – surely the shortest excuse for a meal in the book. Meghan Markle has said she won’t meet him at all – and she’s American! Oh dear nobody’s stuck their hand up to invite Donnie and Mel for dinner so we need some suitable hosts. The Beckhams could be perfect but thinking about it, it’d probably just turn into a sullen face-off between Victoria and Melania. How about Robbie WIlliams and his gobby American wife – a meeting of the egos if there ever was one. Or maybe Sir Cliff ably assisted by his consort Gloria Hunniford especially as Cliff’s now a New York neighbour  – ‘say Donnie, can you recommend any NYC bars where a bachelor boy might have some fun’ – might be an amusing conversation opener. Harry Redknapp and wife Sandra could introduce the Trumps to the delights of jam roly-poly perhaps – maybe not.

No I think the ideal hosts would need to be on the same intellectual level as the Trumps and be capable of light breezy chat, be quintessentially British with distinctive accents and definitely not detract from Melania’s attractiveness. It’s got be The Krankies hasn’t it? If you can suggest better hosts, just shout folks.



2 thoughts on “Guess who’s not coming to dinner?

  1. Great to have you back and in top class form after your recent break. Love your description of our “top” Tory politicians. If Little & Large can’t make it, I’m sure that Neil & Christine Hamilton are free to talk a load of boll……s together. Perhaps Nige Farrage could join in too!

    • Hey hi there Phil, hope you guys are well. Thanks for great comments mate. I discounted fuckwit Farage on the grounds that he’s all too clearly a mate already (and he seems to be shacking up with different playmates of the month – which the Donald might quite like I admit). Neil & Christine would be interesting!
      Take care guys

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