Well to be honest it’s not one of the elections that I get too involved in – the contest for the next leader of the Tory party. But let’s face it, this’ll be 3rd time(?) in recent history that a Premier is elected without a vote from the people and something tells me that can’t be right. Whilst the members of either main (or indeed any) party can elect who they like to lead them, surely the victor cannot assume automatic rights to be PM without a general election. It’s just not constitutional. Christ we could end up with Jeremy Hunt as our leader on the world stage. Arghhh. And whilst I’m on the subject I think that if the Queen were to abdicate, then we should have a referendum on who should succeed her. That’d rattle a few Establishment cages eh but at least we might end up with a youthful monarch with young kids, lovely wife and contemporary views on life (unless folks voted for Princess Anne I suppose ho ho ho). Let the people have their say, I say (except they got it a bit wrong in the EU referendum but we can correct that please baby Jesus).
Anyway back to the hoary Tories and these were the runners and riders this morning…
Now I could name 8 possibly 9 of them and I suspect that a few people may have known even fewer. No shame in that. And their policies – well apart from the obvious front candidates who the fuck knows? But this is the next PM who’s being appointed after all, so I reckon that one of the conditions of the vote should have been the adoption of slogan-like cockney rhyming slang monikers for the candidates to make their policies more succinct and brand recognition, as we marketeers call it, more memorable. The people need to know who is being voted for, and why. So let’s have some currant bun and create some new handles…
Absolute favourite and first round leader Boris Johnson: Doris Wantssome
Charley snorter Michael Gove: Brighton & Hove
The grease git Jeremy Hunt: Complete c**t
Dominic no hoper Raab: Clapped-out Saab
Sajid Javid: Magic rabbit
Little Matt Hancock: Sunny Bangkok
Who is Mark Harper: Non-starter
Toothy Esther McVey: Nanny McPhee
Less than dynamic Rory Stewart: Strawberry yoghurt
Auntie Andrea Leadsom: Flotsam & jetsam
Now if the cadidates were known as above we might get a clearer view about their prospects. We lost three candidates earlier today (hats in the air). So who’s gonna make it? It couldn’t be the c..c.. could it? Arghhh. It’s looking ominously like a Doris Wantssome walkover isn’t it? Oh lawd. Feel free to suggest your own rhyming slang names folks.