I’ve travelled down this path before, it’s called Tosspots-on-TV Lane. Or people I see on the box who drive me fu**ing crazy. I could fill two pages with names but I might be repeating myself from earlier postings so I’ll try to keep it fresh….

First up that Welsh twat who presents C4’s F1 coverage Steve Jones. I should qualify that by saying he’s not a twat because of his nationality but because he is an annoying fuckwit who tries far tooo hard to be down there with the motor racing guys. Do me a favour with his Grand Prix credentials; he’s a frigging former kids tv presenter who shares his life with an ugly little pug (by which I mean his dog not his girlfriend). It’s not very rock ‘n’ roll is it? James Hunt would have shagged a waitress and a couple of air stewardesses whilst Steve Jones applies his hair wax in the morning. And then go on and win a GP. I like my F1 commentators to be grittier and more earthy thank you very much. And the men even more so.

Who’s next? That fuckwit Giles Brandreth. He seems to be on everything I tune in to at the moment (and quickly tune out) – Celebrity Gogglebox, The One Show, Countdown etc. What is his appeal? He has a wife and family but he must be the gayest married former Liberal MP since, well form a long line behind Jeremy Thorpe, Mark Oaten etc. A lover of teddy bears, knitted jumpers, word games and his own intelligence, Brandreth is a creepy little creature and I cannot fathom who his fans might be. Old grannies who have to be fed baby food?

Another tosspot from the Land of of our Fathers, salvage hunter/dealer Drew Pritchard. But I’ve written about this little egotistical knobhead only recently so will move on.

Amanda Holden, the first in a long line of women who are so horribly self-regarding and intensely hopeless at presenting that you have to fight yourself from throwing the remote control through the tv screen. I always have to remind myself that she was married to Family Fortunes star presenter Les Dennis before dumping him publicly when her own celebrity fortunes were beginning to rise and outshine his, and whilst the poor gumball was holed up in the Celebrity Big Brother House. Ooh if you ever needed a sign of ruthless ambition over talent that was it. Since then La Holden has become a regular judge on BGT, filled in for Holly Willoughby on This Morning until she pissed off co-presenter Phillip Schofield with her lack of on-air filter. It started a feud and she’s never been back. This week she started a DJing slot on Heart FM radio alongside Jamie Theakston. I’ll give it 3 months.

Another woman, if that’s not doing disservice to the word, who annoyingly seems to be on-screen a lot at the moment is the actress Emily Atack. She was cool as the rather sexy schoolgirl Charlotte Hinchcliffe in The Inbetweeners but since then has gone down done the usual route of appearing on any reality show that’ll take her to maintain some profile. First it was Dancing on Ice and then she hit paydirt when finishing in second place in last year’s I’m a Celebrity…GMOOH. I found her incredibly needy in the show but it’s done her no harm as she’s doing everything other than acting it seems. Yesterday on some mid-day chat show (hosted rather badly by radio DJ Sara Cox) Miss Atack told her how she’s just completed a tour of her one-woman stand up show. Eh? Doing what? Talking about her incredibly interesting life it seems. Who on earth would want to go and see her point to a big picture of her appearing on screen with Will from The Inbetweeners and then a picture of her chatting to old ‘Arry in the jungle and then….? It must have been grim but Emily seemed to think it was marvellous fun. But hey that’s not all. She’s just putting the finishing touches to her new line in really cool clothing. Oh lawd, really? I’d be shocked if the staple item wasn’t the cheap low-cut dress. She’s currently on Celebrity Googlebox with her mum (who also used to be in the wunnerful world of showbiz and is revelling in the new found fame it’s giving her). And then incredibly Emily’s managed to persuade some commissioning nitwit to allow her to do a new TV series apparently which is all about her (quelle surprise) – a beautiful young girl struggling emotionally, but very amusingly, to come to terms with actually being a 30 odd year old woman, and valiantly failing because, let’s face it, applying for things like a mortgage is just soooo hard. When all she really wants to do is to go out, have some fun, get a bit pissed and have her photo in all the sleb mag’s.

I honestly can’t blame a girl  (because emotionally that’s what she still is) for earning a living but this obsession with oneself and celebrity seems to be a recurring theme. You want some more hapless hopeless souls similarly afflicted – how about the slightly oddball Martin Roberts from Homes Under the Hammer, that ninny Rylan with the too-white teeth (what I ask again is his talent/appeal?), the slightly sad Katie Price, Ann Widdecombe – who ought to know better but just can’t stop herself from looking batty, the not-so-lovely Debbie McGee and countless chumps from shows like TOWIE.

More dickwads?  How about the Rev Richard Coles, the former musician with the Communards and journalist/celebrity vicar. Openly gay he lives in a celibate relationship with his partner which probably explains why he comes across as a frustrated knobhead; and another in awe of his own intelligence. Very annoying person. Second up Ruth Langsford who seems to be spreading her big hips and tiny talent over every bloody channel. She’s everywhere and I cannot fathom why.

I think this obsession with being seen and on-screen and having no sense of shame, talent, intelligence nor modesty is why we end up with celebrity politicians to lead us like Boris Johnson and the king of the deluded tosspots, Donald Trump. Sigh. Do you remember when we used to think certain politicians were immense characters like John F Kennedy, Margaret Thatcher, Mikhail Gorbachev – you respected their conviction and strength of purpose and political integrity even if you didn’t agree with their policies and didn’t particularly like their personal foibles. But can anybody seriously say that Boris Johnson is man who commands great respect? Even his current partner would probably say you must be frigging joking, darling. And TV used to be full of people with real talent and strength of personality and great programmes. Today the most popular programme seems to be Love Island hosted by the network which is a watchword for broadcasting excellence… ITV2.  Sorry this is starting to sound like the ramblings of a narrow-minded sad old man wearing his nostalgia spec’s.

living in the pasta paulie






4 thoughts on “Tosspots

  1. For me, some incredible C4 filming prior to the 2017 Monaco GP with DC in a very fast powerboat with Princess Charlene, Mark Webber in the air with Prince Albert, Eddie Jordan on board his Sunseaker and there waiting for them at the Monaco Royal Yacht Club Steve Jones. Bet they wished they had all stayed at seas than listen to him. If you haven’t seen it, have a peek at

  2. Hi Al

    Sadly youtube have blocked viewing of the video – perhaps it was just too embarrassing! Hope you’re well mate and thanks for checking by as ever

  3. Funnily I recorded it here in Tenerife on the Sky box at the time and pressed keep. But last night I found it on YouTube and could play it, again in Tenerife so it might be a geographic issue but would have expected it the other way round. Shame as I’m sure you would have appreciated the cinematography

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