Well you can tell it’s autumn because the weather’s turned crap whilst the TV broadcasters have rolled out their blockbuster reality shows. We don’t watch many but we do tune into Strictly. To me it remains one of the campest things on the box but I got castigated for my views on it before so let’s just agree it’s decent Saturday/Sunday night entertainment.
Now we’ve watched the first few episodes and it’s been evident from the start that there are several celebrity blokes who bring to the art of dance all the grace and movement of damaged steamrollers. I’ve seen oak trees dance with more fluidity and theatricality than the two big fellahs James Cracknell and David James, and it was no surprise, though a little sad, to see my old contact JC be the first ejectee from the show with David a rather lucky survivor.
But what surprised me the most was the fact that so many people had voted to save the 3rd man in the completely hopeless dancing triumvirate, Mike Bushell. Now long term readers will know of my incredulity at how and why this talentless little fuckwit is still employed by the BBC as one of the newsroom’s key sports reporters. He’s useless and clueless in his primary role but would there be a little Fred Astaire hiding under all that incompetence? Nah. He’s a fat little sausage with absolutely no sense of rhythm. And this week the wardrobe department at SCD must have been on the wizz because they had him dolled up in a cowboy outfit which defied belief as he danced along with unfortunate pro dancer partner Katya to Rhinestone Cowboy. (As an aside you may recall that Katya had a smoochy dalliance with her dance partner last year and you can’t help feeling that this is the BBC’s way of chastising her for bringing bad publicity to the station and warning the other dancers not to do the same).
Anyway it was closer to caber tossing than ballroom dancing and inexplicably the routine ended up with him eating a banana, sideways. I could find a video but I’m sure you’ve already seen the performance so here’s just a little picture memory of the whole sad affair…
Apparently next week he’s scheduled to do the Cha Cha to the tune It’s Raining Men whilst channelling Channing Tatum from Magic Mike. According to the BBC’s media release teaser we might even get to see little Mike shedding some clothes during the routine. I’m not kidding. It could be the most hideous television experience since, well, last week’s episode.
So what’s this posting all about then? Well it occurred to me that there are dozens and dozens of reality shows on TV and whilst C and I enjoy a number which feature the general public (especially First Dates, Gogglebox and Great British Menu – we have no time for the younger loved-up shows like Love Island, Ex on the Beach, Towie, Chelsea etc) ), it’s the ones with the celebrity guests which probably attract the most attention. Maybe because we like to see them out of their comfort zones.
Now some shows are entirely based on celebrity guests like Strictly but a good number have very popular celebrity spin-offs. And we’re all aware of those slebs who seem to make a living hopping from one reality show to another. But there’s a definite hierarchy in terms of their importance and impact for the participants – especially the winners. So I thought I’d try and grade them (at least the ones I’m aware of). See what you think…
I’m a Celebrity get Me Out of Here ….. probably the daddy, massive impact for the winner
Strictly Come Dancing….. more drawn out and always contains a BBC staffer but hugely influential
Dancing on Ice…..the ITV equivalent, cheaper and with lesser lights but highly popular
Celebrity Masterchef…..king of the cooking shows despite that fuckwit Greg Wallace
Celebrity Gogglebox….not as good as it’s everyman equivalent but entertaining
Celebrity Big Brother…..always controversial
Celebrity The Island…..so much out their comfort zone it’s fun to watch celebs go hungry
Celebrity First Dates….just fun to watch people who should have no trouble meeting people, struggle
Celebrity Come Dine With Me….has involved Sheri Hewson fucking up a meal royally. Joyously bad
Celebs Go Dating….nightmare viewing. Hideous people on the pull.
Celebrity 5 Go Caravanning…..features D listers only desperate for some exposure sharing winnebagos.
Celebrity Coach Trip….so bad it’s almost watchable. Based on slagging off, camp guide, Z listers only.
Please feel free to suggest others folks