Look, I go away to Italy for a couple of weeks and I come back to discover that, in my absence, ITV have only gone and topped themselves by creating the ultimate in televisual hell. Yesterday, quite by chance, I stumbled across the horror that is the David Dickinson Show. How can I describe it? Think Potnoodles, Hear’Say, Blue Nun, Woolworths and Kiss-Me-Quick hats. It’s like the TV equivalent of the cross-over car that’s actually a shitbox. It’s a chat show with antique valuations with lots of audience participation and special guests, including a ridiculous game show called Seal the Deal, all hosted by the Duke of Orange on a set that looks like it was made out of packing crates and a few light bulbs. I think it might be on everyday in the graveyard slot; 3pm on ITV 1. It must be available on the IPlayer. If you can bear it, go and check it out. If you can tell me of a sadder, more hopeless attempt at fusion-format TV I’ll send you some of our very own olive oil grown, pruned, picked and processed with my own fairly gnarled hands. Nothing you can suggest can out-crap this pile of tat.