This time I thought it would be interesting to listen in on an interview between Alan Green, the highly opinionated football commentator (‘disgusted’ of N Ireland) who comments on everything under the sun bar the actual game he’s watching and Steve MCClaren, prize tosspot, luckiest man alive and newly-appointed manager of FC Twente, following his sacking and £2.5m pay-off from the FA after his hopeless tenure as England’s worst ever manager and recent lucrative media career as ‘expert’ pundit for the BBC at the Euro 2008 tournament.
So Steve…Alan, shorry to interrupt but could you pronounce that as Shteve pleash, I’m very conshioush of the need to shound like I’m part of the shene at FC Twente. You want people to think you’re Dutch Shteve? But you’re patently an Englishman, a bluff Yorkshire lad who paraded his national credentials with pride on securing the England manager’s job. You know Shteve (and I’m going to stop mispronuncing your name) I think it’s disgraceful to deny your roots and to give a false impression of your background. Well it’sh a point of view Alan and I reshpect your poshition but I’m now working in the country that gave ush sexshy managersh like Ruud Gullitt and Marco van Basten and you know I think I can be sexshy too – for shure.
Well I know your hairstyle’s distinctive Steve but I don’t know if the receding quiff ranks up there with the flowing dreadlocks but let’s move the conversation on. Now Steve, it’s been interesting working alongside you in the Radio5 commentary team at the Euro 2008 championships. Many people have said that it was wrong of the BBC to appoint someone, at great expense to the licence fee payer, to pass comment on the teams and players and styles of play, when as manager of the England team you’d so obviously failed to grasp how good and effective they could be and had clearly employed questionable team selections and dubious tactics against them. I have to say I agree with that view Steve but what do you say to that? Well Alan I think it’sh important to realise that we were playing againsht two sidesh in our qualifying group who have reached the last 8 of thish tournament. I don’t think losing pointsh againsht two of the top sidesh in Europe ish such a dishgrashe. As for working for the BBC well I’ve been proud to offer shome thoughtsh and reflectionsh and, I’d like to think, a little bit of inshight. Well Steve, in shite has been the status to which you’ve delivered the England team’s reputation so nobody can argue with that.
Let’s talk about the FC Twente job Steve. Now you were publicly talking about being interested in the Blackburn job just this week and were even interviewed for the role as I understand it. That’sh right Alan. But within 4 hours of Paul Ince being declared the odds-on favourite for the role, your PR people announce your new appointment at Twente which suggests Steve that you were were being less than upfront with one of the clubs you were talking to. And I recall Steve Gibson, the Middlesbrough Chairman, declaring – after you’d left there for the England job – his dismay at all the apparent interviews you were having for various so-called higher-status jobs in the game, whilst being paid handsomely at the Boro. I personally think it’s a disgrace for players like Ronaldo to tout themselves in the marketplace having signed a 5 year deal at their current club. Don’t you think managers like yourself have a responsibility to set an example and to resist the temptation to court the next big move? Now Alan, I’ve never had a formal interview with any club whilsht employed by another. But informal conversations Steve? Well Alan, we’re both men of the world. I can’t help bumping into the Chairman of a major Dutch club at his hotel whilsht working for the BBC at this tournament and having a few drinksh in his room later with our legal represhentatives who just happened to be shtaying down the corridor. It’sh one of those thingsh that happensh Alan.
Well it annoys me Steve almost as much as the abject quality of the refereeing in this tournament and the dreadful situation in Darfur and the fact that the South Pacific is becoming a repository for the world’s discarded plastic bags. It’s a disgrace and the FA should do something about it. Well that’s as maybe Alan but the termsh of my sheveranshe arrangement from the FA prevent me from commenting advershely about the organishation. And you wouldn’t want to jeopardise that £2.5M pay-off Steve would you? Exactly Alan.
Finally Steve will you be looking to take any of the lads who played under you in the Premiership and with England to FC Twente? You seemed to have a close relationship with some of them. Well Alan I don’t know about closheness but JT and Lampshy were shmashing ladsh and young Wayney – I liked to call him Roo – was a cracking pershonality. If I could take them to Holland I’d be very happy but I might have to shmuggle them in Alan ha ha …… Speaking of which here’s that bag of gange I promished you Al – hey that f*cking microphone isn’t still on is it?
Er…yes and thank you Steve McClaren……… you big gobshite.
ps this was meant as a spoof – even tosspot Mcclaren would never try and adopt a faux Dutch accent, would he? Well I read he has done just that in interviews with English journalists this week (late August). What a complete toschpot.